Zion Politics Episode 4 – The Chaffetz Episode


I want representative Jason Chaffetz to become the speaker of the house and I’m going to give him the playbook for how to do it… And I found in the Book of Mormon! Talk about staying on brand! this video is meant exclusively for representative Jason Chaffetz (Utah 3rd congressional district) so if you happen to be watching this by mistake please be sure to forward it to him at this email address right here or you can find him Facebook Twitter Instagram Snapchat Chumhum Foursquare Hooli Baidu 4chan Tumblr Tindr and Mail.ru Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way Jason it’s just you and me buddy you might remember me I’m Alan Seawright I was actually in your Stake for two years in Alpine… I tried to talk to you once you kind of ignored me, but it was fast Sunday so, I dunno, maybe you were just cranky… you also might not recognize me from standing outside your town hall cuz I couldn’t get in and even if I had gotten in you wouldn’t have provided me a microphone to be able to talk to you before we get to the actual playbook, I have to explain a couple of concepts to you: First, you’re the chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee. Now, what that means is it’s your job to investigate government entities to see if they are operating correctly, breaking the law, and if there’s any way you can reform them to make them more efficient. So, as the head of the House Oversight Committee you’re uniquely positioned. You’re the only member of Congress who can issue subpoenas to the White House and expect them to answer. You…you’re taking notes about this, right? I mean, you really should be writing this down… So you already know that you have the power of infinite subpoenas but what you might not know is that doesn’t just apply to Benghazi or private email servers. You can also issue subpoenas about phone calls to Russian diplomats, unsecured android phones in the Situation Room, the far-reaching effects of not actually *having* a situation room, or, TREASON! now I know it sounds like i was talking down to you just then, I just, based on your actions it seems like you don’t actually know the full scope of your job so I thought we could all just clarify and get that out in the open. We on the same page? Ok. Now, president Trump owns a large share of the Trump International Hotel in Washington DC. Foreign dignitaries and ambassadorial staffs have already booked that hotel since he became president and during the transition period and they’ve already paid the hotel money. That means he is now, inarguably, in violation of the foreign emonuments clause of the Constitution which states that a president or member of the executive branch can’t receive money from foreign powers because the framers of the Constitution didn’t want foreign money meddling, potentially, in American political affairs. How forward-thinking of them! In addition to that President Trump owns the mar-a-lago resort which apparently he’s going to be visiting every weekend to play golf with foreign dignitaries and pay exorbitant amounts of money to put up staff and security people. All of that is paid for by the US taxpayer directly to the Trump brands which are still owned and controlled by President Trump. You may remember he had a press conference where he had a table full of all of these big stacks of paper and folders and everything where he said he was divesting himself of all of his businesses… All of those pieces of paper were blank. If you look up in new jersey and new york state records none of his control of his companies has actually been seeded. He still owns and controls those companies he may not be doing day-to-day business operations, He’s apparently delegated those to his sons but he still makes money when his companies make money. So as a foreign national you can pay money directly to the president of the United States through his properties. Now, I understand you’re not on the Intelligence Committee so you may not understand the high level of spycraft that’s involved in that, so let me break it down for you a little simpler: you can take a bag of money, and hand it to the president in exchange for favors or trade deals. see how this is a problem? “Potentially”… so those conflicts of interest and actual violation of the Constitution maybe worth investigating here’s another one just broke over the weekend michael Flynn the National Security Advisor– well, the former national security adviser – over the weekend he resigned because it came out that during the transition period before the inauguration he was in contact with Ambassador Kislyak from Russia and basically told him that all of the sanctions that president obama put in place for Russia interfering in our election would be completely nullified as soon as the Trump administration came into the white house. now not only is that illegal and probably treasonous, he then lied about it to the public and to people within the administration. And president Trump knew about this at least three weeks ago. He was told by the acting Attorney General Sally Yates, that Flynn had had this conversation and that they had recordings of it. Trump’s response was to three days later fire Sally Yates, and keep Flynn. so maybe you should investigate the guy who was keeping the treasonous person around while firing the woman who was doing her job protecting the country from the guy who was committing treason? I don’t know. so we’ve established that you have the responsibility to investigate the White House. And allow me to point out you actually hold a literal trump card that you can hand to a president named Trump… You have a Trump trump! You can trump Trump… I’m just giving you that one for free… so politically I understand why you’re doing what you’re doing – you’re playing by the old partisan politics playbook… but here’s the problem president Trump, when he ran for president, took that playbook and threw it out the window. (Is there a window graphic here?) anyway, it’s gone, that playbook is old and it’s out. so we’re going to take the old playbook throw it away and we’re going to give you a new playbook that’s actually an older playbook than the PlayBook that you just threw out Introducing: the Jason Chaffetz plan to rise in power, become speaker of the house, have everybody like you, (and not get primaried in 2018)
Here we go! Step 1: I nvestigate investigate investigate! As the head of the House Oversight Committee, not only is this literally your job but you have the power of infinite subpoenas. you can literally issue as many subpoenas as you want to as many people as you want so subpoena Trump subpoena pence get everybody in the White House get everybody that trumps ever talked to on the telephone get everybody that watches fox and friends subpoena the Fox! subpoena the friends! everybody that has anything to do with Donald Trump find out everything you can about them. Is this going to be costly? Yes. Is that a problem? NO! because of Step two: get in front of the media Now, this one’s going to be really easy for you Jason, because I know how much you love being in front of cameras it’s literally your favorite thing in the world. We get it. I’m in front of the camera right now and I hate it… but that’s besides the point you could be in front of cameras, and you get to control the conversation. you get to say, “Yes, we’re spending a little bit of money but we’re doing it because I’m investigating an evil authoritarian demagogue, and I’m doing it to protect truth, justice, and the American Way!” It’s a good look, right? This could be you… Step 3: Do not leak… Unless Trump is stonewalling you and he’ll be doing that every day… so don’t worry about it. Have your staffers leak relevant information about the things that he’s stonewalling and then when you’re confronted by the media you play the righteous card! “I can’t talk about ongoing investigations, it would be irresponsible to do so.” And then when they press you about specifics your line is: “Well if the substance of that leak is true then president Trump is in a lot of trouble. Now please, I can’t talk anymore about this, and I have an appointment with my stylist Javier. He’s legal, so, I think… I haven’t looked into it… I’m gonna…Javier!” Step 4 (or as Javier would say…”Quattro!”): Big, big show – again, getting in front of the media – when you turn over your evidence to the Justice Department and the house judiciary committee. Now, the Justice Department should take that ball and run with it and continue investigating and probably indict a whole bunch of people for the various crimes they’ve committed. However, they won’t because have you met Jeff Sessions? He’s a horrible racist troll. That is not actually my opinion, that is a verifiable fact! (sarcasm) he lives under the Arlington Memorial Bridge… eats the bones of travelers… anyway so when that fails you can investigate them too! So the Judiciary Committee should take that information and start a trial of impeachment, but, and write this down, because this is super cool and really really important: if they don’t start a trial of impeachment, you can! By yourself! all you have to do is take your investigation, that you gave to them, distribute it to everybody in Congress, convince them that the president needs to be impeached, (hint: Democrats already think that) and then you just need a two-thirds vote and you can start a trial of impeachment! On top of that, you get to say, “I’m the only leader in Congress who actually cares about the American people and the Constitution more than partisan politics!” it’s going to be a win win win win win win win win you’re gonna get so tired of winning you’re gonna like go to bed on your big bed of win, and wake up buried in your win pillow, and stumble into your win shower, and eat a big bowl of win cornflakes, put on your win tie, and your win jacket and walk down the win street to your win office at the Win Congress! WINNING! And then when you get so sick of winning, you can impeach not just president Trump but probably vice-president Pence as well, because he’s been in the loop on all of this stuff. You can go after everyone in the White House – Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, you can even fire Steve Bannon, and nobody knows how to fire that guy for two reasons: 1) nobody knows what his job is aside from make America great again and 2) he is a literal Hydra! If you cut off his head two more misshapen disgusting Steve Bannon heads pop out of his neck and just start dictating Breitbart articles at you. It’s terrifying. he’s a sci-fi creature but scarier because he’s also a white nationalist. Now, after all of that winning and firing and fighting mythical demons – which you can do! – because you’re the Hero of America™ remember? ok after all of that there’s actually going to be a big power vacuum because what happens when you get rid of the President and the Vice President? Who becomes president? That’s right, it’s our old buddy Paul Ryan! Speaker of the house becomes president. Now, if you have parlayed your image
the way you should you either sail up to become speaker of the house, or, in a Machiavellian move of House of Cards™ proportions you become vice-president and then Paul Ryan meets with an “accident” later… That could be you Jason. But, that’s not following the Book of Mormon playbook, that’s following the House of Cards playbook. You can catch the whole thing is streaming now on Netflix It’s really good. First three seasons are really good… Now the thing to keep in mind with this playbook is it has a limited shelf life so you need to take everything you wrote in your very detailed notes and apply it right now because if you wait another week or a month you’re going to be too closely attached to the Trump White House to be able to extricate yourself [Groaning] gosh darnit Jason I just shot this video yesterday and you already screwed it up! you wrecked it! ok cool down… Let me remind you what you did last night you decided to investigate the source of the leak that revealed people committing treason instead of investigating the treason that people treasoned! okay okay okay now investigate the leak, sure it may have been illegal that’s fine but only after you investigate the TREASON! TREASON Jason!!! I just, I just can’t even… we’re gonna cut back to the video that I’ll remind you, I shot just yesterday! YESTERDAY! and if you hitch yourself to that wagon you’re going to go down with that ship and no matter how much violin you’re playing on the deck of that boat you’re gonna… I lost the thread… but it’s not important the Trump White House will bury you unless you bury it. especially after last week’s debacle where you lied about your constituents – including me – who showed up to your town hall. You said they were paid protesters. They weren’t, and you knew it. So it’s time for you to step up to the plate and do what’s right for your constituents and for America so step up. Hit that White House ball. out of the park. with a bat. Cuz it’s baseball season. in Congress. so we were going to end this show on a little joke where we were going to talk about how the story from the Book of Mormon that we were pulling your little playbook from that we just got it wasn’t actually from any of the good guys in the Book of Mormon. It was from Amlici or Korihor or Nehor, do this whole joke and it was a big reveal and it was really funny (debatable) and honestly after the stuff that you did last night Jason I can’t do it I can’t make a joke about it. The way you’re thinking is wrong. I’m sure you and your colleagues in the Republican Party think that you can pass all the legislation you want and even the stuff that’s unpopular with your constituents and then three months before the 2018 election you can impeach Trump blame all the unpopular stuff on him come out smelling like roses and skate off to victory and win your districts again. But if the Book of Mormon has taught us one thing it’s that that plan won’t work. people aren’t that stupid. that cynicism will not play in America. the writing is on the wall man. you can’t do this anymore. you know that there weren’t paid protesters at your town hall and you know that they weren’t all salt lake democrats. I was there too and I spoke to a lot of people. about half of them were from provo and utah county, the center of your district, and about a third of the people i spoke with were Republicans. this is not about Democrats and paid protesters against you and you know that. I can’t believe that you’re so blind that you actually believed what you were saying when you said that, which makes me think that you cynically thought you could lie about who was at your town hall and some of your constituents would believe it – enough would believe it to re-elect you. but you know that’s not true. Utahns have values. Americans have values, and you’re betraying them. that’s why there are so many of your constituents, not just people around the country, that are angry with you. If you don’t change course not only are your days in Congress numbered, but the future integrity of the Republic maybe at stake. and if that happens i’m not going to enjoy saying I told you so but i am going to say that I begged you to change course and you didn’t. thank you for watching a “started off funny and ended really depressing Zion Politics! whoo boy we made it. thank you for watching, please like and share please, again, share with congressman Chaffetz and as always please go to our patreon give us some support if you feel that we merit support. if you don’t please tell us in the comments why were horrible people. we love that. especially me I’m really terrible

Maurice Vega

17 Responses

  1. Wonderful. Seriously. I can't say enough how happy it makes me to see a fellow Utahn make a well produced and factual political video about what is happening. Thank you good sir.

  2. Thank you for a fantastically well done video! Loved what you had to say about the town hall, I was there also, inside- one of those Utah county constituents who is ticked off. Actually, loved the whole thing, keep up the good work!

  3. So you think paying a couple hundred on a hotel room, which may translate into a couple bucks in trumps pocket equates to bribery? I mean, even if we're talking thousands of dollars on a room from a handful of foreigners- that translates into very little actual money going into trumps pocket… and by the same extension- if foreign dignitaries buy obamas book- does that mean they were influencing him with their money? Come on, but of a stretch don't you think?

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