Trump Wishes The Dems Were “Kiddingly” About Impeachment


WELCOME. WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO “THE LATE
SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. AND FOLKS —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) — IN LIGHT OF THE DARKNESS THAT
IS THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY, I’D LIKE TO START TONIGHT WITH
SOMETHING NICE. LAST NIGHT, GYMNASTICS WORLD
CHAMPION SIMONE BILES THREW OUT THE FIRST PITCH AT GAME TWO OF
THE WORLD SERIES, BUT FIRST, SHE DID SOMETHING REALLY COOL:
THERE SHE IS, AND WHOA! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
KEEP IN MIND, SHE DID THAT BEFORE THE GAME STARTED. CAN YOU IMAGINE WATCHING THAT
AND THEN WATCHING BASEBALL? ( LAUGHTER )
IT WOULD BE LIKE AN EMCEE SAYING, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
WE SURE HOPE YOU ENJOYED LIZZO. NOW PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE:
BASEBALL!” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
NOW, BACK TO THE DARKNESS, ALREADY IN PROGRESS. ( LAUGHTER )
LATE TODAY, WE LEARNED THAT “TRUMP WILL BE ATTENDING THE
WORLD SERIES ON SUNDAY.” OF COURSE, KEEP IN MIND, WE
DON’T KNOW FOR SURE IF IT WILL LAST THAT LONG —
TRUMP’S PRESIDENCY, I MEAN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) DURING AN OVAL OFFICE CEREMONY,
REPORTERS SAY, HE WAS ASKED IF HE’D THROW OUT THE FIRST PITCH. IT’S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO
HAPPEN. FIRST OF ALL, I’M NOT SURE HE
COULD LAND THE BACK FLIP. AND SECOND, WE KNOW HE’S NOT
VERY GOOD AT DOING THINGS ONE-HANDED. ( LAUGHTER )
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!”
(AS TRUMP) “OKAY, EVERYBODY. GET READY FOR A LITTLE CHIN
MUSIC. HERE WE GO.” PICK IT UP. IT MADE IT. THAT’S 60 FEET. YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT GAVE A
SPEECH AT AN ENERGY CONVENTION IN PENNSYLVANIA AND FOCUSED ON
THE TECHNOLOGY OF THE FUTURE: “WALL.”>>WE’RE BUILDING A WALL ON THE
BORDER OF NEW MEXICO AND WE’RE BUILDING A WALL IN COLORADO.>>STEPHEN: THAT’S RIGHT, A
BORDER WALL IN COLORADO. ( LAUGHTER )
ONCE THEY’RE DONE WITH THAT, THEY’RE BUILDING A NAVAL BASE IN
IDAHO. ( LAUGHTER )
A LOT OF PEOPLE, INCLUDING ME, MOCKED THE PRESIDENT FOR THIS,
SO LATE LAST NIGHT, HE TWEETED: “–KIDDINGLY– WE’RE BUILDING A
WALL IN COLORADO,” THEN STATED, “WE’RE NOT BUILDING A WALL IN
KANSAS BUT THEY GET THE BENEFIT OF THE WALL WE’RE BUILDING ON
THE BORDER”– REFERRED TO PEOPLE IN THE VERY PACKED AUDITORIUM,
FROM COLORADO AND KANSAS, GETTING THE BENEFIT OF THE
BORDER WALL!” YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, HE WAS
KIDDINGLY! ( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU LOOK AT THE TAPE, IT’S CLEAR HE WAS DOING A JOKLE!>>WE’RE BUILDING A WALL ON
THE BORDER OF NEW MEXICO, AND WE’RE BUILDING A WALL IN
COLORADO. WE’RE BUILDING A BEAUTIFUL WALL. THAT REALLY WORKS.>>STEPHEN: YEP, THAT’S HOW YOU
KNOW HE’S KIDDING, BECAUSE HE SAID, “IT REALLY WORKS.” ( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW THE OLD JOKE: TWO PEANUTS WERE WALKING DOWN THE
STREET AND ONE WAS ASSAULTED. REALLY. BRUTALLY ASSAULTED. HE WAS ALMOST A-MURDERED. ( LAUGHTER )
AS A FELLOW COMEDIAN, I GET IT. BEFORE YOU TELL A JOKE, YOU
ALWAYS KICK IT OFF BY SAYING “KIDDINGLY.” ( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, JUST CHECK OUT MY PROMPTER. THERE YOU GO. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP WISHES — HE’S FUN. TRUMP WISHES THE DEMOCRATS WERE
KIDDINGLY ABOUT IMPEACHMENT. IT’S NOT EASY FOR REPUBLICANS TO
DEFEND TRUMP. WE HAVE THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE
PHONE CALL WHERE HE PRESSURES UKRAINE TO INVESTIGATE BIDEN. THEN TRUMP ADMITTED IT ON
CAMERA. THEN MULVANEY ADD PLIGHTED TO
QUID PRO QUO ON CAMERA. SO, LEFT WITH NOTHING ELSE,
YESTERDAY HOUSE REPUBLICANS STORMED THE IMPEACHMENT
HEARINGS. THAT IS A LARGE HERD OF WHITE
MEN. BY THE WAY, A HERD OF WHITE MEN
IS CALLED “A J. CREW.” ( LAUGHTER )
A “J. CREW” OF WHITE MEN. ( APPLAUSE )
THE MOB WAS LED BY FLORIDA REPRESENTATIVE MATT GAETZ, SEEN
HERE ON “BRING YOUR CHIN TO WORK DAY.” ( LAUGHTER )
THIS WAS A DESPERATE, CYNICAL PLOY TO DISCREDIT THE BASIC
PRINCIPLES OF OUR CONSTITUTION. BUT GAETZ SEES HIMSELF AS A
HERO.>>WE WERE LIKE, YOU KNOW, “THE
300” STANDING IN THE BREACH TO TRY TO STOP THE RADICAL LEFT
FROM STORMING OVER OUR DEMOCRACY.>>Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
THAT’S ONE POINT OF VIEW. FOR A REBUTTAL
TO MATT GAETZ’S ANALOGY, WE GO NOW TO KING LEONIDES:
>>THIS IS STUPID! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>STEPHEN: GAETZ PLAYED TO THE CAMERA WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT
HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT.>>I LOVE THE PRESIDENT SO
MUCH, I MIGHT NEVER LOVE ANOTHER PRESIDENT AGAIN.>>STEPHEN: WOW, THAT’S QUITE A
LOVE STORY. THEY’RE LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET,
EXCEPT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) APPARENTLY, THE PRESIDENT KNEW
ABOUT THE STUNT AHEAD OF TIME, AND TODAY HE TWEETED: “THANK YOU
TO HOUSE REPUBLICANS FOR BEING TOUGH, SMART, AND UNDERSTANDING
IN DETAIL THE GREATEST WITCH HUNT IN AMERICAN HISTORY. IT HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE LONG
BEFORE I EVEN GOT ELECTED– THE INSURANCE POLICY! A TOTAL SCAM!”
(AS TRUMP) “THANK YOU, GUYS. YOU’RE LIKE THE SONS I WISH I
HAD INSTEAD OF THE ONES I DO.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE G.O.P. IS SAYING, “WE NEED
TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE,” BUT HERE’S THE THING,
THE 47 REPUBLICANS ON THE COMMITTEES LEADING THE
INVESTIGATION HAVE ACCESS TO THE CLOSED-DOOR DEPOSITIONS.” AND REPUBLICAN LAWYERS ARE GIVEN
THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME TO QUESTION WITNESSES AS DEMOCRATIC
COUNSELS. IN FACT: OF THE REPUBLICANS WHO
R.S.V.P.’D FOR THE ROOM STORMING, “12 OF THEM ARE
ALLOWED TO SIT IN ON ALL DEPOSITIONS.” GOOD PROTEST, GUYS. “WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“WHAT WE HAVE!” “WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“ALREADY GOT IT!” “WHY ARE WE HERE?”
“I DON’T KNOW. I HEARD THERE WAS PIZZA!”
( APPLAUSE ) I HEARD THERE WAS PIZZA!”
THIS IS NOT SOME DEMOCRATIC STAR CHAMBER, AS JUDGE ANDREW
NAPOLITANO ATTEMPTED TO EXPLAIN TO HIS FOX AND FRIENDS:
>>AS FRUSTRATING AS IT MAY BE TO HAVE THESE HEARINGS GOING ON
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, THE HEARINGS OVER WHICH CONGRESSMAN
SCHIFF IS PRESIDING, THEY ARE CONSISTENT WITH THE RULES.>>THEY CAN MAKE UP ANY RULES
THEY WANT?>>THEY CAN’T CHANGE THEM. THEY NARROWLY THEM. IN JANUARY OF 2015. AND WHO SIGNED THEM? JOHN BOEHNER. AND WHO ENACTED THEM? A REPUBLICAN MAJORITY.>>STEPHEN: WHAT? IF BOEHNER DID THIS, THAT MEANS
THE DEEP STATE HAS CREATED A TIME MACHINE AND GOTTEN TO THE
REPUBLICANS IN THE PAST. QUICK, CAN WE GET A PICTURE OF
JOHN BOEHNER FROM 2015? GREAT SCOTT! ALL OF THIS WOULD BE DAMNING TO
THE G.O.P.’S COMPLAINTS, IF FACTS MATTERED. I MISS YOU, FACTS. COME BACK! I’LL FLOSS! SO WHY DID THE REPUBLICANS PULL
THIS STUNT? WELL, ONE FORMER PROSECUTOR
EXPLAINS “IT IS OFTEN SAID OF TRIAL
LAWYERS THAT WHEN THE LAW IS NOT ON THEIR SIDE, THEY POUND ON THE
FACTS. WHEN THE FACTS ARE NOT ON THEIR
SIDE, THEY POUND ON THE LAW. WHEN NEITHER THE LAW NOR THE
FACTS ARE ON THEIR SIDE, THEY POUND ON THE TABLE.” OH, TRUMP’S WAY AHEAD OF YOU. HE’S NOT POUNDING ON THE TABLE. HE’S QUARTER-POUNDING ON THE
TABLE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT EVEN THE REPUBLICAN SHAM
ARGUMENT THAT THE WHOLE THING’S A SHAM MIGHT BE ABOUT TO CRUMBLE
BECAUSE HOUSE DEMOCRATS PLAN TO MAKE THE IMPEACHMENT PROBE
PUBLIC AS SOON AS MID NOVEMBER. JUST IN TIME TO RUIN
THANKSGIVING. “CAN YOU PASS THE TURKEY?”
“TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT TURKEY! AND UKRAINE! WITCH HUNT! YOU WANT GRAVY WITH YOUR
HONEYBAKED SCAM?” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SHE SEEMS MAD. SHE SEEMS REALLY MAD. I THINK I KNOW WHICH TURKEY
TRUMP IS GOING TO PARDON THIS YEAR. (AS TRUMP)
( LAUGHTER ) THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN ON THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, AND THAT INCLUDES ON TRUMP ATTORNEY
AND MAN ASKING IF YOU’RE GOING TO FINISH THAT BABY, RUDY
GIULIANI.>>Jon: OH, MY, CANNIBALISM. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: GIULIANI IS BEING INVESTIGATED
FOR SOME SHADY BUSINESS DEALINGS IN UKRAINE, AND AS A RESULT,
WE’VE JUST LEARNED THAT GIULIANI IS LOOKING FOR A DEFENSE
ATTORNEY. ( LAUGHTER )
RUDY, IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD ONE, DON’T LOOK IN A
MIRROR. ( LAUGHTER )
GOOD NEWS FOR EVERYBODY OUT THERE WHO’S SO HIGH THEY CAN’T
REMEMBER THE BEGINNING OF THIS SENTENCE. BECAUSE, EARLIER TODAY,
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BERNIE SANDERS UNVEILED HIS PLAN TO
LEGALIZE MARIJUANA! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S RIGHT. “BERNIE” AND “MARIJUANA,” TWO OF
THE EASIEST CHEER-LINES IN SHOW BUSINESS. ( LAUGHTER )
IN HONOR OF HIS NEW POLICY, BERNIE ALSO UNVEILED HIS NEW
SLOGAN: “FEEL THE BURN, AND HOLD IT IN UNTIL YOU START COUGHING.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) FITTINGLY, BERNIE’S PROPOSAL
DROPPED AT PRECISELY 4:20PM. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AT
4:20… BERNIE’S DINNER TIME! ( LAUGHTER )
MM-HMM, EARLY BIRD SPECIAL, BABY. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE BERNIE HIGH. (AS BERNIE)
“I’M 100% BAKED ON THE STICKY-ICKY CHRONIC, AND I
PROMISE TO EAT 99% OF THOSE LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS ROLLS. TOGETHER, WE WILL TRIP BALLS!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. STEVE CARELL IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MEANWHILE! STICK AROUND.

Maurice Vega

100 Responses

  1. It's not funny anymore , it's bitter , sad an sour ,. It's not ironic but sardonic ! " We no swing we no score!" …nevermore!

  2. “Bernie and marijuana, two of the easiest cheer lines in show business” that man is going to be our next president. FEEL THE BERN! ✌🏻🔥🇺🇸

  3. Nobody:
    o r a n g e m a n b a d

    Audience: 👏👏👏👏

    It’s a joke I dont want to hear your political opinions lmao

  4. Trump's presidency is surreal, seriously for the first time people know the political language better than the President.

  5. What word(s) can one use to best describe Trump supporters without offending persons with cognitive disabilities? 😉

  6. Wow…how tired of these idiots making a fool of themselves is everybody else? I look at these pieces now and think, "Not more garbage!" Bogged down with bull sh$#t

  7. So Trump says he's building a wall (that works!) in Colorado and he gets a standing ovation by some brain dead idiots in the background. Did they actually pay attention to what was said? If that did not seem off to them then the future of the US is in some serious sh*t that no wall in Colorado can save us from.

  8. Also has anyone noticed that Giuliani has only had the top teeth whitened, the bottom half still looks like he's English

  9. That picture of Rooody Ghouliani could easily win the first place prize in any spooky HALLOWEEN costume contest. Hands down! As a matter of fact. I want to go out and get myself my own spooky, Rudy Giuliani mask, TODAY !!

  10. why is every single person giving him standing ovations on "building a wall in colorado"? does nobody know where colorado is located? i mean i know it and im not american

  11. The Replublicans can be really STUPID! Matt Gaetz loves President TRUMP so MUCH! THIS is very, very scary. Just got a mental image of the 2 of them cuddling up together naked. Not sure I can ever get that image out of my mind. I may never be able to close my eyes again!! Got to go and puke now!

  12. 1:30 FDR was almost completely wheelchair-bound. Reagan had dementia… What are the odds Trump is hiding some kind of neuro-smallhands disease? It'd explain why he has the fine motor control of a great ape.

  13. Dear Stephen, on the off chance you read this:
    I love watching baseball. I have a grown up attention span. And there is NOTHING more thrilling than a stadium packed with 50,000 peeps, all watching this one pitch, that might make or break men’s dreams of glory and victory.
    Lay tf offa baseball.
    Cordially, Yankees Bitch I Love Them 3,000

  14. Remember when this took no political side and was just interested in providing fun content for families. Now all it wants to do is promote their agenda onto others

  15. This nightmare that is the Trump presidency is gearing up for Halloween. I am truly in shock with what comes out of his mouth on a daily basis. Abandoning the Kurds makes me sick to my stomach. As a Canadian I respect and admire my American neighbours yet I fell Trump is absolutely demolishing Americas global reputation. Cant believe this megalomaniacal tyrant is still in power. Grab your popcorn folks this movie is getting more interesting by the day. #Canadiansupport

  16. There actually is a naval base in Idaho: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farragut_Naval_Training_Station
    They trained many a sailor there in WWII and the Navy still conducts submarine testing there.

  17. Reminds me of the movie "Spartacus" when his followers shouted "I'm Spartacus!" When faced with one serious crisis after another, Trumptards want to march with Trump into oblivion rather than admit/recognize they are being misinformed.

  18. So the Republicans wrote the rulebook and even that can't help them protect their criminal president. The republicans are a bunch of lowlife scumbags who will do anything to protect Dirty Donnie.

  19. trouble is everything the democrats come up with is totally made up…. people aren't dumb.
    they've heard all these lies before

  20. O boy can’t wait to see what the family discussion will be this Thanksgiving 🦃 I will make sure we serve with toothpicks instead of forks and knives 🔪 🙄. 8:55

  21. Funny story, there was once a naval base in Idaho. The first nuclear submarine was tested near Sandpoint Idaho in lake Pend Oreille, at least portions of it were.

  22. matt gaetz looks like he is as inbred as any republican or trumpster. Damn near impossible to hide that much trailer park trash under a suit.

  23. The GOP don't need Trump anymore … all they care about is their own extinction and Ryan got them their tax plan, so they're set … They have Pence to hold them over until they can put their own new nominee in for the 2020 election, so they can cut their losses and impeach the old fart. Even Fox will have more appeal with Pence and a new nominee and when Pence brings in his own people, there will be lots of people to interview about their ideas in making America thrive and return to draining the swamp. Trump is too freaked out now about going to jail, which is his own fault, and is no longer effective to lead the country to get the GOP voters what they need. A new order for the White House would be perfect and a change of narrative the best! No one can hold on to anger as long as Trump wants you to. Besides, it has been shown that the immigrants bring significant money to the U.S. Treasury in their entrepreneurship as small business owners and they do not take American jobs in doing so, so what's the beef here?! Plus renewable energy is cheaper than other forms of energy, so it saves money to drive electric cars and heat our homes with clean energy. Plus the greatest threat to our lives in America is now domestic terrorists so our country is well secured if we can get help to the young men that are fighting mental illness with the opening of treatment centers again, since we do not have to build a wall that only needs maintain and guarded which will take a fortune, and for what … to protect ourselves from young American men who are already here who simply need medication and mental support?

  24. Sad thing is the trump supporters don't realize that most of those fucking stupid repubs had seats there and were allowed to attend the meeting and hear all the questioning and even ask some themselves. This illegal act of breaking into a closed session and holding up testimony is just the repub way of intimidating witnesses which you notice they do a lot of and they don't care about the law or the constitution and neither do their voters because this turd bucket is what they voted for. Remember how they intimidated the dems when they shouted down the town hall meetings on Obamacare and nobody could ask questions or hear ideas or say anything? This is bullying. This is what trump does. This is what repubs do. They even bused in some supporters to harrass democrats at work in their offices.

    republicans, don't capitalize that to show disrespect, and their voters are bad people and always have been and always will be.

  25. STUPID Stephen! Our President isn't worried about impeachment BECAUSE HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG OR ILLEGAL! I KNOW ALL OF YOU LIBERAL DUMBASSES WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE HE IS GUILTY, BUT HE IS NOT, GOT IT?! EVEN YOUR BOY MUELLER FOUND NOTHING AFTER STEALING MILLIONS FOR 2 YEARS!! YOU FUCKING LEFTISTS ARE REALLY INSANE!! PUSSY COLBERT!!

  26. How weird is it that no one has really noticed Trump doesn't care what anyone says.. but these shows have been at it for 4 years 😆😆 everyone laughed at Trump going for president.. he did it! The reaction since has been the biggest tantrum and loser denial in the history of mankind… Deeeeeeeelicious to watch

  27. When colbert mentions deep state I get chills. He is an asset, agent on the payroll of the deep fricking state. When are u guys waking up!!!

  28. Any time nitwits openly engages in punishing The People for telling the Truth OR for Trying to do the Right things then We're supposed take it back. It is Against ALL ENEMIES BOTH FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC …PLEASE MAY THE DEMOCRATS LOCK THEMSELVES UP FIRST!

  29. Trump proves he can say anything and his crowd will cheer. There's no substance in his words or with the crowd. He's testing them and they're passing. Blindly following the piper.

  30. If they do impeach President Trump at least this dickhead's show will go belly up.It's all he has going for him at this point .

  31. https://www.whitehouse.gov/trump-administration-accomplishments/ and all while being attacked by fake claims and half a dozen impeachment claims, talk about crying wolf.

  32. Jim Jordan is Trump's jock strap; Drunk boy Matty is his balls polisher.
    Fat Matt has at least one DUI. He has been known to abuse his wife and cheats on her .Daddy got him the job, and said :"boy, go get everyone riled. If Trump sees this, he'll want you in the WH. ( Fatty Matty was turned away at the WH. Trump didnt want him ).

  33. …so sad and ignorant of those who jump all over someone when they slip up and say something like "57 states" instead of "47 states" or "Colorado" instead of "California" or "building a wall FOR Colorado" knowing that limiting "ILLEGAL" immigration will help all states!!!

  34. Trump: Michelle Obama’s worst nightmare in the White House. Next he will change the children’s meals to Happy Meals in schools

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