This is what Brexit REALLY means! German political comedy “heute show” (English subtitles)


Great Britain is heading for a hard Brexit,
you know that. Unfortunately there is hardly
any time left for negotiations, and the dreaded No Deal scenario
is becoming increasingly likely. Despite this, at the party conference of her
conservatives this week, Prime Minister Theresa May looked almost elated as she
sashayed up to the speaker’s lectern. To Abba’s Dancing Queen. Yes, that wasn’t bad, was it? … why not? It was of course above all a self-ironic
allusion to the fact that Mrs May has in the
meantime built up a legendary reputation as a rather bad dancer. On a recent visit to Africa,
she demonstrated what could in principle be seen
as The Dance to Brexit. Yes, the last bit was good. Yes. Shortly afterwards,
it rained in Africa for twelve weeks non-stop. But the real star of the conservative party conference
was of course her enemy and competitor Boris Johnson. Former foreign minister
and completely crazy Brexit hardliner. Yes, well, the man doesn‘t actually hold an office any more,
yet he is considered to be the upcoming ruler of the island. He thinks Mrs May’s plan,
the Chequers Plan, is, I quote, “insane”, which somehow sounds
quite funny coming from him. But then almost everything
sounds funny coming from him. “The EU reminds me of some badly-designed undergarment that has now become too tight in some places, far too tight, far too constricting, and dangerously loose in other places”. Don’t worry!
Trust me, it’s going nowhere. It’s going nowhere. The Brexit proponents have
NO plan for leaving Brexit. NO plan. They’ve been caught out several times telling lies
and now they are continuing to tell even more brazen lies. Just this week, May’s foreign minister described the EU
as a prison and compared it to the Soviet Union… … the EU! Just because they will no longer get full access to our
single market after leaving the EU. You wanted to leave, didn’t you? In the meantime, I think you need a “Brexorcist”
for these idiots, my friends, seriously. Yes! It’s not an exaggeration! Here, English people, Auntie Angela will explain it to you once again
as if you were very, very stupid children. “But it’s just that there are
always a couple of benchmarks. One of these benchmarks is that you cannot belong
to the single market if you are not a part of the single market” Yes, precisely, English people,
you are only in the single market if you are in the single market. Understood? Got it? Come, I’ll make it even simpler. Look, this is my new Boris Johnson
sock puppet… …so, and this is the EU. Okay? Now Boris is inside… outside… inside… outside… But when I’m here,
I don’t have a single market anymore! But you WANTED to get out, didn’t you?… Shut your mouth, you Nazi! Hey! There is no point, you won’t achieve anything, There is no point, you won’t achieve anything,
most of them are no longer open to hearing the arguments. “It’s an island with a
limited amount of space. If you fill it up without any control over this limit…
it will sink, it will go under” Yes, that’s a fact. Every island has a certain loading capacity. And if you were to let in just ONE fat
Polish plumber too many, then it’s not only the mood that will sink,
the whole island will go down. That’s the force of gravity… gravity in Britain. Of course, you have to see
the issue quite realistically – advice from Germany is the last thing
that the British want to hear, but there is ONE man
who is not put off by this. Gernot Hassknecht. Gernot Hassknecht explains to the English
what will happen after Brexit, in 150 seconds. Dear Englishmen and women, dear Brits,
my dear freckled friends. The clock is ticking. On 29th March 2019, at eleven o’clock in the evening on the dot, you are out. And from one minute past eleven onwards, I don’t want to hear any more
from you ever again… it’s a real shame that you are going,
but I am absolutely fed up with your moaning. Worse than the East Germans. And with this arrogance too! “But perhaps it would be
an economic disaster? I don’t think so, I can’t see why. When we produce the best products in the world,
other countries will still want to buy them”. Haha…. the best products… haha… I suppose that must be the
famous British sense of humour. This disgusting beer that you have to
drink with a knife and fork… Englishmen/women,
you have a… listen carefully… negative trade balance. You are addicted to imports. You can’t even manage to make
a sandwich on your own. “The sandwich is in danger – cheese from Ireland, Danish ham, cucumbers
from Holland and tomatoes from Spain” Oh… just pour on a little
of your famous vinegar. Then it’ll taste better. Yuck! It’s no joke; last year Great Britain imported 3,000 sperm donations from
Europe’s largest sperm bank in Denmark. Unbelievable… too lazy to do their own wanking… but we’ll soon put an end to that. We’ll cut you off from the sperm supply. No more Viking genes… then you’ll have to help yourselves
from your OWN gene pool. Haha… According to the boss of Bank of England, Brexit is already
costing the average household £900 a year. For all those who find that too complicated, I would like to give you a symbolic representation
of the further course of Brexit. With a double decker bus. On that note, have a good trip. Or as they say in Germany – good fart. Bye.

Maurice Vega

100 Responses

  1. "This disgusting beer that you have to drink with a knife and fork"
    schade dass das in der englischen variante nicht so schön klingt wie in der deutschen

  2. NO JOKE:
    The day after Britain positively voted for Brexit, the most-googled question in Britain was : "What is the Brexit?"
    Well.
    It is quite the equivalent of a punk at the doctor asking for a castration because some other punk told him that castration would allow him to fuck every hot woman without condom.
    "Sir, are you absolutely su.."…"SHUT UP…castration already !"

  3. like i said to many dumb brits without help from europe means less jobs,i speak denglish not learnt to write german yet but speaking it but not perfect

  4. Well done GB. I know that you dont give a shit about what German satire say. This show sells political interesst of Merkel.
    Ihr politischen Handlanger werdet euch schon bald verstecken müssen…

  5. I'm English and I voted to leave but I did not hate Europe I just wanted to do what was best for Britain but this is the straw that broke the camel's back you clearly don't understand this condescending we know better than you attitude is part of why we want to leave if you had shown the British people more respect we would not be leaving but as it stands we will have the last laugh no deal is almost certain now and Europe simply does not have the resources to survive without our help more and more countries will leave and Europe will fail and when it does I'm going to laugh at you

  6. Na das könnt Ihr uns fragen, wie als Inder haben grundsätzlich das erste Brexit aller Zeiten erlebt und glaub mir, wir waren nie so glücklicher. Hahah!

  7. Der Dude bei Minute 5 ist aktiv abschreckend diesen Clip weiterzuschaun. Schrille Hysterie, rumschreien und übertriebene Empörung. Genau wie ne AFD-Demo.

  8. Was sind die 3, von Deutschland, meist kritisiertesten Regierungen:

    1. USA
    2. Großbritannien
    3. Italien
    4. Polen, Ungarn (Osteuropa)

    Und was haben die alles miteinander gemein? Richtig, sie sind nicht links….

    PS: Die Polen sind nicht das Problem.. und dies haben die Briten erkannt.

  9. Majority of citizens are stupid.

    sheep no matter which country. but the UK does not excel. at least here they are world champions

  10. Hallo Heute-show Team, könnt ihr euch mal bitte informieren!? England =/= Großbritannien =/= Vereinigtes Königreich. Der Hassknecht, der alte bockige Sack übersetzt doch glatt Engländer mit Brits.

  11. Jetzt mal ehrlich ihr Nasen: könnte ein Staatsoberhaupt in so einem Fall überhaupt gewinnen? (Bzgl. Tanz mit Afris)

  12. Wenn in einen demokratischen Land mehr Wahrheit im Kabarett steckt als in den gebührenpflichtigen Nachrichtensendern…. jaa…dann weisst du dass du gefi**t bist.

  13. Die polnischen Klämptner sind sicherlich nicht das Problem aber die Queen will die irrwitzige Targetsaldenrechmung der Deutschen sicherlich nicht zahlen.

  14. great Britain does not need use fools, use abuse us. take millions of British pounds change are laws make immigrants come to are nation , the eu is destroying are culture . now we leave you cant rob us no longer , it shall be use who suffer and i cant believe you Germans man. just be ready to carry the french and Italians, are nation owned the world for years and we cant exist without Germany and France haha

  15. The tragic thing is 48% of us voted to remain. And if the referendum was re-run tomorrow, the polls suggest 55% remain. Complete disaster.

  16. The Germans seem to be getting too big for their boots, do we have to put them in their place for a third time?

  17. Welp…brits may leave….but dont forget to have nice deals with the indian subcontinent…
    Guten Tag…
    Ich komme aus Indien

  18. Moin…
    Naja, hat sich bis HEUTE NICHTS geändert .
    Es bleibt uns nur, unseren lieben Cousins in England zuzurufen…
    „So long and thx for all the fish“…
    Grüße aus dem Süden ✌️😜💪

  19. This was funny – the only thing though that needs improvement is one part of the subtitles.

    The best translation for "Englander" in English is "Englander" not Englishman/Woman.

    A bit like how one would say Londoner to refer to someone from London.

  20. Heute Show ist das schrecklichste was zur Zeit im Fernsehen läuft. Man möchte denen allen eine scheuern. Und sowas kriegt den Grimmepreis… es ist absolut nicht zu fassen. 9.9k Likes… We are so screwed

  21. Sadly, all of the points on this show will be proven right. UK used to be the centre of commerce and even bypassing France as the country of fashion.. but now big businesses are taking their headquarters to EU and England is facing the prospect of food and medicine shortages, largely because the government has convinced themselves that Britain can have its cake and eat it… Already there is talk of importing more foodstuff from America, which insists UK lowers its standard to the low and unsafe US one (even certain % of faeces are allowed – something not allowed under "dragonian' EU law…
    I do remember Britain before it joined EU and can say that things have improved, despite the viral myths about the allowed curvature of cucumbers or Brits not being allowed to get their favourite rusk and fat laden sausages. (Watch the episode about "Euro Sausage" in "Yes Minister" / "Yes, prime minister" if you don't know what I mean.)

  22. I enjoyed this very much indeed and not a little surprising. Good humoured vitriol against the liars and hyenas in British politics. The Tories are surely the most incompetent politicians in Europe. If we could poke them with a stick in the arse
    to get them to piss off. Cheers from Scotland.

  23. Hey – don't blame me. I'm as puzzled as you are.
    You don't have any old World War II armaments lying around anywhere, do you?
    An old V2 aimed at the Houses of Commons would be a gift from the Gods, and far cheaper than any protracted negotiations.
    Go for it!

  24. The British are not going to starve, they (will) have enough food to feed the population. But they may enter a long economic recession. Some businesses do will move out during Brexodus and more foreign economic investments will go rather to mainland Europe. Many British may loose their jobs and less EU immigrants may arrive every year. That may have some good effects: the housing prices might drop, which would be good if you want to purchase a home to live in, but bad for Tax Office and Banks and other offices. They may have troubles to recruit EU doctors and nurses … No problemo, they can import thousands of them from third world countries like Phillipines, India, Kenya and from former British colonies. Food products they can import from the U.S. which might have lower quality or might even be GMO. Never mind! The most important thing is that they are in CONTROL (of a shrinking economy). If they get bored of being without EU immigrants, then they can start giving immigrant visas for British descendants around the world like South Africans, Canadians, Americans, Caribbeans etc.
    X number of years later they might even make some better trade deals with the EU but not as good ones as the EU customs union. They don't care. They will have less EU immigrants and they will love it. The economy would be not as booming as before the Brexit campaign but they won't be able to admit even to themselves that they made a mistake. They will look for resources in the Commonwealth, but the colonies are already independent and they are also looking for profitable trade deals.
    It's a nice idea to create a Federation of former British colonies, but the obstacle of huge distances would rather recommend the EU partnership.

  25. Sorry but the English are the best in dancing! They have invented the englischer waltz and the May walk.
    And we can produce our own sperm just fine. I was just busy.

  26. It's interesting to see how homogenised these kinds of late-night show have become. They have the exact same format, outlook, and execution as the American brand. Ironic, given that neo-liberal globalisation was one of the reasons for voting leave.

  27. The English response:
    "No. I want Britain to be about British… [ something unintelligible about the war ]… and stopping the Muslamic rayguns."

  28. Absolutely brilliant! I'll watch other videos from this channel. They are a laugh, even though I really want to cry at our own stupidity. Danke.

  29. German humour is 1000 times better than English humour, the rumour that we have no humour has always been spread by the Fleet Street trash press which ruined half of England including the Royal House. If we still had such a silly tabloid press in Germany, I'd commit suicide.

  30. …and Nigel Farage got a divorce from his German wife who is quite a beauty, I guess he is a chronic ALCOHOLIC…!

  31. Der 29 März ist um und das Thema ist noch immer nicht geklärt. Gibt es ein Video wie Hassknecht sich drüber aufregt? Gold wert

  32. Wonder if they will make jokes about the Jews? After all they all like a good laugh over there don't they… 😉

  33. What brexit really means is that we get to do to the europeans what we have done since the dawn of time. Throw out the trash humans, and keep the best whilst we watch Europe burn and laugh heartily. Cant wait for 2020!!!

  34. Scheisse !
    The EU will collapse without the UK. The Germans and French will have to support, on their own, weak Eastern and Southern European nations! The EU will slowly disintegrate over a period of 50 years.
    Britain imports an abundance of goods from Europe ( eg German cars), so it is in the interest of EU countries to please the British government by making trade agreements acceptable to the British.
    Don't make fun of British food and drink, the British invented sparkling wine (Champagne), a man called Christopher Merrett,. Chocolate bar was British ( Fry family , 1840s). Coca Cola was an American idea, a man called Pemberton, but even the Pemberton family have their roots in England! Cheddar cheese is one of the top 5 most popular cheeses in the world!
    As for machines , the Industrial Revolution ( age of machines) began in the UK!
    Germany's population is going down, Britain's is going up! So, by 2080, the UK will have a larger population than Germany, hence a more powerful economy!
    RULE BRITANNIA!

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