Things Not To Say To Jewish People


“What’s with the weird hat?”
“You don’t look Jewish.” “You must be really stingy.” “You have sex through a hole in a sheet.” Ergh Oh my god. Do you have sex through a hole
in a sheet? The answer to that is no.
Very rarely, as in never. I don’t think it’s true either, I don’t
think anyone has sex through a – It’s not true, it’s not.
This would be a joke at our Friday night dinner table.
I think it came from, like, Jewish men would wear Tzitzit. So it’s like another sheet,
like the tallis. “Oh ha ha ha, sex through a hole in the
sheet.” Like, what? And people have seen it on a washing line
and it has a hole in it, obviously, because you have to put it over your head, so they
go, “That must be the sex sheet!” Are you into have sex through a sheet and
not seeing your partner? I do know though that if your husband doesn’t
sexually satisfy you, that you are allowed to get a divorce.
It kind of sounds like a fetish. “Go forth and multiply”, is the phrase
from the Torah, I think, yeah. Exactly, yes!
Enjoy it. Don’t use a sheet. “So, you hate bacon?”
The grease, the smell, eurgh! I’ve never had bacon or anything not kosher.
Everyone’s like, “You sure you don’t want some?”
Yeah . He’s a good Jew.
I’m such a good boy. Literally I am sitting here thinking, “I’ve done nothing”.
I eat bacon because I am from a Catholic country called Lithuania, so we don’t have a big
Jewish community there. I think I would feel embarrassed if I was
spotted eating bacon by another Jewish person. I think I would probably like push it under
the table. Yeah, I would be as well.
Actually we don’t have those kosher/halal sections in Lithuania.
For meat to be kosher it has to have a split hoof, like this. And it has to chew the cud
which basically means like regurgitate . Beautiful.
So, yeah That’s how I like my meat. Some people might be kosher in front of their
boyfriend, but when they’re not with their boyfriend, eating prawns. I’m not naming
any names but… Is that you?
We also don’t eat dairy with meat. I find kosher laws really hard to, I find
them really hard to grapple with. It’s hard to keep kosher.
There you go. Confession of a Jewish girl. “What’s with the weird hat?” I call it a kippah or…
Yarmulke, koppel.. Normally I wouldn’t wear this on a day-to-day
basis. So you only wear it when you go to synagogue.
Yeah, pretty much. I don’t actually know what this symbolises,
it’s really bad. It’s a reminder that God is above us.
They said, “Oh, what’s that?” And I went, “It’s a skullcap”.
And someone literally ran passed him and grabbed it and he managed to catch up to him and be
like, “What the hell?” He said, “oh, what does it do?”, “Oh,
you know it controls the weather, you know, it means I can levitate.”
Someone told him that Jews keep money under there.
Oh my gosh. ******************* “You must be really stingy!”
I don’t think I’m stingy at all. Like literally any money I have goes after
a day. It really pisses me off when people are like
‘Jews’ ‘money’. They always say something about money when
I say I’m Jewish all the time. I think we like value for money, don’t we?
I love a deal. We love a deal,
But they’ll say things like, “So you’ve got loads of money”, “Oh so you’re stingy
like classic Jews”. This guy was a stranger and he was like, “Oh
you’ll pay for it, you’re Jewish, you’re rich” and I was like,“No, I’m not gonna
pay for your Uber” and he goes “Oh, another stereotype. You’re stingy as well”
There’s the historical reasons that possibly Jews are associated with money. because we
were imported to Britain for example, to be the people that collected the tax.
When other cultures don’t promote that, because other cultures had much more freedom
through history, basically. So how much was this then?
About £20. I thought, “You know …“ Really? Oh, ouch. Only joking.
It did, it did sting. “Jews run the world!”
“Who run the world?” “Jews!”
“Jews! We run this mother, oh!” Oh yeah, that’s the song!
I hear it all the time and not in a jokey way.
I think it’s the most really widely held and most dangerous kind of conspiracy.
“Ah classic, the Jewish lobby, Jews running the world”.
“The reason you got your job, is that because someone who worked there was Jewish, and they
gave you the job?” We do love finding celebrities who are Jewish
though, don’t we? Yeah.
We do, that is one of our favourite pastimes. I remember one time I was talking to someone
about the American media or something and she said, “Well, your people run it” and
I thought, “Your people?”. Blatantly anti-semitic.
I find it really hurtful. I mean most people who run the world are white
middle-aged men, who are not even Jewish. How can we control everything? Yeah exactly.
Living in the shadows. The shadow people!
There is this very old stereotype, belief, that matzahs are being baked of Lithuanian
blood. And that’s anti-semitic. Full stop.
Egg, flour and water, that is what matzahs are made of.
It immediately separates you from them. We’re not all the same, you know some of
us are successful and some of us aren’t. There are some successful Jews. Big deal.
When you don’t know you create things, right? They came out from the war, they made something
for themselves from nothing. A lot of Jewish people were never handed anything,
like my grandparents weren’t given anything. Absolutely no way do we run the world

Maurice Vega

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