As-salaam alaikum, everyone! My name is Bassem Youssef. In my native Egypt, I was a surgeon— until the Arab Spring, when I realized my country itself had fallen ill. So I created a comedy show to help the nation heal. The people liked it, but the government, not such much. And before things got worse, I left for the land of the free. Now I can learn from the best. After all, this is the United States of America— the greatest democracy on Earth. Right? America has long been called the “Land of Equal Opportunity” Everyone here has the same chance for success. It’s such a beautiful thing. The wealthy get wealthier, the poor get poorer, The CEO is making 204 times what what the average worker is making, bringing the wealth gap to its highest point in 30 years. Or, maybe not. But, there’s one thing that makes everyone equal in America. Whether you’re this guy or this guy, everyone can get a gun. The Right to Buy Arms In the Middle East, only police, soldiers, militias and terrorists have guns. Guns are hard to come by for regular citizens. Which is why we usually just throw rocks at each other. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s all we’ve got. But here, you are loaded with guns. 300 million guns in the hands of civilians. That’s almost 1 gun for every American. Maybe it’s because there are so may ways to get a gun here. Online, through private sales, and even at your local Walmart. Which is the biggest gun seller in the US. I’m just glad no one told these ladies about the shotguns 2 aisles over. But all those ways to get a gun are so uninspired. I want to buy a gun in a more festive atmosphere. A place with all of the bells and whistles: Bullets. Artillery. Assault rifles. Rifles. Big guns. Little guns. Oh my God! Are those Girl Scout cookies? As long as you’re of age, you’ve never done more than one year in jail, you’re not deemed crazy or drunk at the time of purchase, getting a gun in America is a breeze. Especially at gun shows, which happen every weekend, everywhere in America, with stuff for the whole family. Moms. Kinky moms. Babies. Hyperactive pre-teens. And even something for your anti-Semitic uncle. How many guns do you have? I have 8. 8 guns. I have a shit ton of guns. I spend all of my UFC money on guns. I have one .22 and one 20 gauge. Americans bought over 1.7 million guns in September 2015 alone. But, why? What do you use your gun for? Uh, mainly just target shooting. I’m a hunter. It’s about having the right to protect yourself against another human being, or animal. Yeah. Or, like crazy bears that come at ya and stuff like that, like– It’s all legal! We have the freedoms. Now, why mess with our Constitution? Ah! There’s the real reason that you Americans love your firearms. And it stems from this century’s old sentence: A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. What is the 2nd Amendment? Um, the right to bear arms. It’s like a birthright. Think of it as the armor for the Constitution, the Bill of Rights. Is that your favorite amendment? Probably, yeah. What is your 2nd favorite amendment? Probably the 1st Amendment. What is the 1st Amendment? I forgot. But what makes Americans love this particular Constitutional right so much? I think it’s the bargains. In America, when you buy a gun, you can get a free duffel bag, discounts on hearing aids, medical coverage, hotels, rental cars, frozen yogurt– not valid outside of Utah. And even the most precious commodity of all: Pizza! All they have to do is show me that they’re carrying a weapon, and they can get a discount. I wonder if that applies to stuffed crust? It doesn’t matter. Only 5 states have laws banning open-carry for handguns. So, fingers crossed, this pizza trend will catch on. But there are other bargains out there for those in the market for big ticket items. We sell diamonds, we sell gemstones, we sell weddings, We sell guns. We’re your 1-stop shop. Jewelry store and guns, all together. Do you think that more businesses should have this kind of combined promotions? I mean, you have Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. It just, for us, goes hand in hand. So it makes sense to me. It’s a great business plan. This is the one we used for our Valentine’s Day promotion. That’s Valentine. It’s a 12-gauge pump action gun. Shotgun. Wow. Then you push it forward. Oh, ok. Show me your favorite diamond/gun combo. You know, this is your standard five stone anniversasry band. Okay, oh, that’s nice. You can get this for your wife. And it matches! So, I can give her that, and if she doesn’t like it I can take her out. Right. I mean, no, no, I can take her out to dinner. To dinner. Yeah. Exactly. It’s funny. In the Middle East, there are real incentives for gun ownership. Getting in good with the new dictator, or y’know, just staying alive. But you guys not only get guns, they come with cool accessories Still, there’s a downside. In America, there were over 53,000 incidents of gun violence last year. In fact, 43 shootings were carried out by… are you ready? Toddlers. Your streets, backyards, and living rooms are like the Arab Spring every day. I might be safer back in Egypt.