Seize The Day.

Today we explore the mind of Kurt Eichenwald the prolific author and hentai connoisseur. It begins on December 15th, Handsome man, Tucker Carlson hosts Kurt on his show. Kurt was publishing some nonsense on Twitter, and Tucker asks him… “what the f*ck, dude?” [Kurt]: I mean Tucker [Kurt]: You are- Look, you’re not fooling anybody. [Tucker]: THIS IS A LITTLE NUTTY! I GOTTA BE HONEST! [Tucker]: OKAY!
[Kurt]: And I can sit here and I can read them to you [Tucker]: I appreciate it.
[Kurt]: one at a time, and we can talk about what YOU have to say. [Tucker]: That’s pretty good. [Tucker]: Okay I think you’re humiliating yourself.
[Kurt]: So let’s go to- [Tucker]: This is performance art, I’ve never had an interview like this in my life! Before he even left the studio, he was being roasted on Twitter. Then one user, by the alias ‘jew_goldstein’, sent him this Twitter. I won’t show the animated version, but it just flashes in different colors. Now, Kurt says he’s epileptic. So when he saw this tweet, he thought the best thing to do would be to hit ‘play’. Now Kurt’s wife is a prudent woman. So when she sees him writhing around on the floor, she sends out a tweet to Mr. Goldstein… to let him know he’s in BIG TROUBLE. Then she checks her Instagram, and her matches on Tinder, and then finally calls 911. A day later and Kurt is back and ready for a fight. He’s going to sue whoever this Mr. Goldstein is. First, he subpoenas Twitter. [Guy in crowd]: WOOOOOOO! [Kurt uses SUBPOENA!] [It’s not very effective] Then the FBI gets involved… and within a couple of weeks, they have their man. It’s John Rivello, a 29-year-old war veteran. and now this ‘joke tweet’ has him looking at 10 YEARS in prison. Kurt’s a real trooper about his epilepsy though. His lawyer said that it took him “several weeks” before he was speaking properly. and yet here he was, just three days later, on ABC’s primetime. He isn’t showing any medical proof of the incident either. Check out his YouTube channel. Can you believe he edited this whole thing with his eyes closed? Many epilepics aren’t able to drive either because of the flashing lights. But not Kurt, he loves the open road. A couple of months pass and Kurt is producing more fake news and he posts THIS tweet. Shocking, right? Look at THAT. B-Chiku He was looking at japanese anime ladies. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) [Tucker]: And it was a link to hardcore japanese cartoon pornography. It exists and it’s every bit as creepy as it sounds. The Internet ERUPTED. Here’s a little sample from the literature. And then they have sex and it’s pretty graphic. But instead of just admitting he’s a weeb, he tries to get out of it with an even weirder excuse. “No I swear, I don’t love 2D titties…” “I was just looking at tentacle porn with my KIDS…” ಠ_ಠ “to show my wife.” [Tucker]: Well of course, it’s just another afternoon of surfing the Internet for hardcore porn with YOUR KIDS. Makes sense. Except the problem is B-Chiku DOESN’T HAVE any tentacle porn. He claims it was too difficult to find. So let’s test that. Alright, and we type it into Google. and there’s about 8 links, okay what about the images… Yep, every one of those is an affront to God. And with that, Kurt cemented his place in Internet History… as the guy who faps to Hentai. [Mom]: Oh It’s alright, we all have feelings like this sometimes. I’m just glad you’re doing this in the privacy of your OWN ROOM. And when he inevitably dies from smacking his head on a table corner after another fake seizure… he can be proud to know that the thing he is known most for above all else… is his fondness for sexy cartoons.

Maurice Vega

100 Responses

  1. People are freeks if you think about it, how would they know the hentai charcteri without reading or watching the hentai already,

  2. "Hardcore Japanese cartoon pornography – it exists – and it is every bit of creepy as it sounds." – Fox News 2017

  3. This was just a total fucking disaster from start to finish. Nobody came out of it looking any good.

    Just like my sex life!

  4. don't kink shame hentai watchers/readers, i love me some good Yuri/Futa hentai action, Stainless Night and Shoujo Sect being my favorites

  5. We all just want a cute anime wife dude I mean own it man don’t lie. Decent taste. Better than the weird shit he could’ve been into

  6. Holy shit I never thought I'd be on Tucker Carlson's side in an argument, thanks for challenging my ethics mr internet historian

  7. I'm sorry to be that person as I really love that video, but the part about epileptics being unable to drive isn't totally true, photosensitive epilepsy (sensitive to flashing lights) is one of the most uncommon types, I myself am epileptic and passed my test just over a year ago and have been driving without issue! Sorry again for being THAT person!

  8. Umm… I'm curious. All I really need to know is the name of that anime featured at the end of the video. It was kinda cute…..

  9. Why I never want to become famous for any reason whatsoever: someone will find out your deepest secrets and reveal them to the whole internet

  10. Wait

    Can it be that before the tucker show this dude fapped a lot to hentai sk he's too spent and was kinda wasted?

  11. "I don't like tibby tibby, I was just showing my wife and kids tentacle porn"

    When you roll a 1 when you needed that nat 20

  12. This was cringe bruh… trying to paint an antisemite who tried to assault someone as the protagonist and Carlson as in any way sympathetic lmaooo I’m glad the channel has evolved

  13. "My kids and I were trying to convince my wife that tentacle porn exists. I tried to find some to show her, but I couldn't find any" This man is the worst liar ever. Not finding tentacle porn online, when youre specifically looking for it, is like saying that you couldn't find any donuts at a Krispy Kreme cause they only had potatoes.

  14. Good thing you could see it was B-Chiku from the link, cause Kurt sure as shit can't tell you the source. Just let me answer the question.

  15. You spelled Kikenwald wrong. Also, you missed out the bit where Kurt paid a young man to get naked so he could report about it.

  16. To be fair, Tukerboy here is not entirely honest, the manga hKurt was reading was pretty vanilla, nothing too hardcore.

  17. The worst part is i cant tell if the theme at the end is from a slice of life or a hentai. Neither would surprise me tbh.

  18. I feel like with such a horrendous lie like that, he wanted his obvious love for true art to overshadow all the other controversy… and I think it worked

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