-Well, you guys, the race for the Democratic presidential
nomination has barely started, and it’s already
getting crazy. Listen to this — former Democratic Senator
Mike Gravel is thinking about running
at 88 years old. 88. When they heard that,
Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden were like,
“Hey, who’s the new kid?” [ Laughter ]
“Yeah, punk.” [ Applause ] That’s right,
we could have a 76-year-old, a 77-year-old,
and an 88-year-old running for President. I can’t wait for the debates. I mean, who wouldn’t be pumped
about the possibility of listening to a three-hour
symphony of dry coughs? [ Laughter ] [ Coughing ]
[ Applause ] These guys shouldn’t be
running for President. They should be in a movie about
a group of friends taking their last trip
to Las Vegas. That’s —
that’s what I would watch. [ Applause ] But this is great news. Today, former President
Jimmy Carter became America’s longest-living President
at 94 years. [ Cheers and applause ] These are some strange times. Somehow Jimmy Carter
is the oldest living President, but today, he would still be the youngest Democrat
running for President. Isn’t that interesting
if you think about it? [ Coughing ] [ Applause ] Well, last night, Democratic
candidate John Hickenlooper did a town hall on CNN.
and at one point the moderator asked him about a story
in his book where he went to the movies
with his mom. Watch this. -You have a lot of interesting
stories in that book. One of them is about
the time you went to see an X-rated movie…
-Ah. [ Laughter ] -…with your mother. [ Audience “oh”s ] -I didn’t know
what an X movie was. We thought it was a little
naughty, but we didn’t think
it was that bad. So I took my mother
to see “Deep Throat.” [ Laughter ] -Then he said, “Anyway, that was
an awkward Mother’s Day. But besides that…”
[ Laughter and applause ] “Popcorn was good.” [ Applause ] But right now the front-runner
is still Joe Biden, even though he hasn’t
officially joined the race. [ Light laughter,
scattered cheers ] But the other night he did
tell a few people that he’s going to run.
-Oh. -Yeah. It’s like when you have
a female friend who starts wearing looser
clothes and stops drinking, and you still gotta act
surprised in three months when she’s like,
“I’m pregnant, you guys.” “Yeah, we knew.”
Now get this. I read that several
world leaders have actually reached out to Joe Biden
and urged him to run. But not every world leader
agrees on who to support in 2020. Check out
who they’re endorsing. First, Germany’s
Angela Merkel said, “I like Biden because of
his foreign policy experience.” Then Pope Francis said,
“I’m for Bernie Sanders, because we’ve been friends
since the ’80s — the 1880s.” [ Laughter ] Next up, Australia’s
Scott Morrison said, “I’m endorsing John Delaney,
because he’s just like me. And by that I mean, most
Americans never heard of us.” [ Laughter ] And finally,
Queen Elizabeth said, “Here’s two words to explain why
I support Beto O’Rourke — Yum Yum.”
[ Laughter and applause ] -Really?
-Yum Yum? -That’s her reasoning?
-Yeah, apparently. -Yum Yum. -Speaking of Beto O’Rourke,
he’s been able to campaign more than anyone, because
right now he doesn’t have a job. [ Light laughter ] So he’s actually been driving
around the country in a rented Dodge minivan. [ Light laughter ] Let me get this straight. One of the top
Democratic candidates is a 40-year-old unemployed guy
living out of a van? Perfect.
Sounds about right. What?
[ Applause ] But it’s true. Since he
no longer is a Congressman, Beto doesn’t have a day job. Unless you count his job
as the guy walking a dog in every Lands’ End catalog.
[ Laughter ] Hey, guys,
I’m excited about this. March Madness started today.
-Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] -Some exciting matchups.
-Come on. -Some great matchups.
Baylor versus Syracuse. Montana versus Michigan. Donald Trump versus
Kellyanne Conway’s husband. I mean, it’s just been
madness. [ Applause ] That’s right,
Trump and Kellyanne’s husband are in a huge Twitter feud
right now. But Kellyanne says that
she’s not being asked to choose between her marriage
and her job. And Trump was like,
“Do what I do, choose neither.” [ Laughter and applause ] It’s crazy, though.
On Twitter today, Kellyanne’s husband, George,
called Trump a liar and “the worst kind of dumb.” When Trump saw George
posting insults on Twitter, he fired Kellyanne
and hired George. He’s like, “This guy has
everything I want. [ Applause ] “Where’s he been all my life?” Game recognize game.”
[ Laughter ]