Let’s take a moment to get into
business and talk about Amazon. They’re the reason
you were able to do all of your holiday
shopping without wearing pants. That shit doesn’t fly
at Best Buy. Trust me, I’ve tried. And now, Amazon is finding new
ways to keep you coming back. MAN: Amazon is sending shoppers
free samples curated to their tastes as part
of the company’s push into advertising. Axios reporting,
products free of charge that you may like are gonna
show up on your doorstep, and it’s all based
on your purchase history on the website. Okay. I like the idea, but how’s Amazon gonna send you
a sample of something? I mean,
I get how that would work with, like, food or shampoo,
but Amazon sells everything. Are they gonna send you,
like, half a TV? (laughter) The handle of a coffee mug? Just the tip of a dildo? (laughter) Be like, “If you enjoyed this
sample, you’ll love the shaft.” (laughter) But… but free samples
aren’t the biggest story about Amazon today,
because just this morning, Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO,
and the winner of capitalism, announced that he and his wife
MacKenzie are getting divorced. Now we joke a lot about Amazon, but it is sad to see
any relationship not work out. Uh, thankfully,
it does sound amicable, and we wish both of them
the best, because at the end of the day,
we’re all people here. We know how it feels to go
through a tough breakout. I don’t think
there’s a joke about that, unless you are
a financial analyst at CNBC. Then there is something funny,
you know, because you watch these people
who are trying to talk about human emotions on air
for the very first time. Jeff Bezos tweets
a few moments ago that, uh, he’s getting divorced. MAN 2: Yeah. Uh, that was
somewhat surprising. Yeah. Uh, MacKenzie Bezos will become one of the richest people
in the world. Unclear what
and where her interests may lie in-in terms of, uh, that. Listen, uh,
you know, I don’t care if you’re the richest guy
in the world or not. -Getting divorced is, uh…
is never fun, I’m sure. -Yeah. You know, it’s a courageous
thing to tweet this. Uh, and it-it… it is… I don’t know what else to say
other than the fact that he didn’t need to do it. The man tweeted it.
You didn’t need to. A lot of times you kind of don’t
really kind of talk about it, kind of, you know?
I mean, kind of. I mean, you know what I mean?
Kind of. Yeah, uh, right? Yeah, uh, well, yeah, well. It’s like wow. Business Louis C.K.
over there didn’t do well with that information, uh… Yeah, emotional news
is not his strong suit. Uh… I’m glad he’s on CNBC, and not
working as a veterinarian. You know, he’d just be like,
“So, you’re cat– “he, uh, kind of, uh, you know. “Um, his-his thyroid
and then his kidney kind of… “which for felines,
I don’t know. “But anyway, here’s his ashes. You know what I mean.” (laughter, applause) For more on the Bezos divorce,
I’m joined by our financial analyst,
Desi Lydic, everybody. -(cheers and applause)
-Thank you. Desi, as, um… as awkward as CNBC’s
divorce therapists are, you can’t deny that there is
a huge financial aspect to this story. Oh yeah.
No, that’s true, Trevor. This is a huge deal. Jeff Bezos is the richest man
in the world, and under Washington State law, he has to split everything
he’s earned during their marriage, 50/50. MacKenzie Bezos will get
$66 billion. -(whooping, gasping)
-Yeah. This is the biggest transfer
of wealth since Warren Buffett
left his debit card -at a McDonald’s drive-through.
-(laughter) $66 billion. I can’t imagine
having that much money, let alone
losing that much money. Yeah, and you’re really rich,
Trevor. I mean, there was a whole week where you just paid us
to speak for you. But look,
Jeff Bezos will be fine. (laughter) Don’t worry about Jeff Bezos,
okay? He’ll be fine. He’s still gonna have
$66 billion. I mean, he’s not gonna be
one of those divorced dads eating SpaghettiOs over the sink
of his studio apartment. He’ll be eating SpaghettiOs
over the Mediterranean from the third story
of his yacht. Oh, which reminds me. This story is brought to you
by SpaghettiOs. SpaghettiOs. Divorce is hard,
but so is boiling pasta. Actually, Desi,
some of us like SpaghettiOs for the flavor and the shapes,
you know, but whatever. Uh, so you think
this divorce settlement is fair? Oh, yeah. No, definitely. A marriage is a partnership. MacKenzie Bezos spent 25 years helping her husband
grow his business. And grow his swagger.
I mean, look at that. He went
from pleated pants salesman to jacked-up arms dealer,
am I right? Yeah, it’s totally fair. Look, but that chapter
is now closed, okay? It’s over now. And this next phase is crucial. You have a wealthy person
navigating a-a painful time in their lives,
unsure about what to do next. And here’s where
I can not stress this enough. It is so important
to get married again right away. (laughter) Find some… someone blond
who will take care care of you, you know, like a…
like a city gal who also feels at home
on your private island. You know, someone
who will divorce my husband -at the drop of a hat.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, wait. Wait. Desi, Desi, come on.
This is weird. -What?
-You can’t just come on the show to pitch yourself as a spouse
for Jeff Bezos. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?! No. How dare you, Trevor! No, I am pitching myself
as a spouse for MacKenzie Bezos. -(laughter, applause, cheering)
-Look. Yeah. This woman…
this woman is beautiful. She’s an accomplished author. She studied under Toni Morrison
at Princeton. And now she’s worth $66 billion. Oh, is she? Right, yes. No. Yes.
Now she is worth $66 billion. I mean, you said
she’s the whole package. MacKenzie, call me. I can be on a plane tomorrow,
or today if you use Prime. (laughter) The future Mrs. MacKenzie
Bezos– Desi Lydic, everyone.