You know what’s crazy? Uh, so the audience coordinator,
like before I came out, was like, “Hey, like, there’s uh, there’s a
dude here who looks like your twin.” But the whole taping I was like— Like, there’s like seven— You know what I mean,
like, you, you, like I’m like— I don’t know who it is. The whole time I was looking for that. Where is it, where’s the twin? You’re the twin? This is the twin? This is the guy everyone’s like, “He’s the guy?” Right here? Stand on stage, let’s see, let’s— How are you? What’s your name? Prav? Alright, get it on this camera. Let’s see it. I don’t know! Alright, alright. Next one. Next one. Yeah, you dude, you, yeah. Ah, this is too—
this is too, ahh, come on. Okay, okay, okay. Wait, do it, let’s go to— Alright, let’s go to this
camera. Let’s go to this camera. Go like this, go like this. Alright what— put your hand,
put it in this pocket, and then just do this. No?! I think we look the same. Okay. Eddie, what do you think? What do you think? It won’t be racist if you say it’s yes. Yeah. Come on! Yeah, we do. Got the beard, we got the— Let me see it, let me see it on— Aw, come on dude, I’m having fun. This is a strange question. “If everyone lost the ability to sneeze,
how long would it take for us to realize it?” Dude, I would just assume— You know what, I think we would
just assume we’re super healthy. Like, “Ah, I don’t sneeze
’cause I’m super healthy.” That’s all. How long do you think? Six months? You would legitimately have that thought? “Wow, I haven’t sneezed in… a good half year.” Would you miss it? Would you miss sneezing? Would it be like one of those things like,
remember like in Children of Men there’s no kids? Would we— would we long for
sneezing like the way they do in that? “There was one person
on Earth who could sneeze.” Are your sneezes weird? Mine sound
like— I sound like a little mouse, you know? I try to like hide it. I’m like, eh! Do you know how some
people have like really loud ones? Yeah. What’s yours like? You’ve never been told? Every time I’ve sneezed
people are like, “Are you alright?” “Do you have a secret?
Like you’re hiding it.” You know what? The scariest thing about sneezing is
the fact that you’ll do it when you’re driving. How are more
people just not dying? Every time you just
switch lanes on a sneeze? Think about how many, like, car accidents
would be happening just because of that. Dude, if you’re an Athiest
and you don’t believe— Like I’m, every time I’ve like sneezed
while changing a lane and I live, I’m like, “Dude, there is a God.” This is like, for sure for sure. “What is a weird NYC subway
talent you wish you could have?” Um, it would definitely be the dudes
with the boom boxes doing flips. And then sometimes on the subway,
there’s the dude who can like, hang vertically and do, and go perpendicular.
Can go full 90 degrees. That’s… that’s pretty dope. Um… I get nervous though. ’Cause they usually ask for money
and I have a— like, you know, I’ll stare. I just have this problem
where I’ll just stare. A lot of us have
that problem, right? Indian people just stare. And they’ll always be like,
“Ah, this guy, this guy’s having a good time!” And I’m like, “I am, no!” “Like, I’m having the best time right now!” “Where’s the money at?” And I’ll always panic ’cause I don’t have cash. Like, nobody carries cash these days. Sometimes I’ll be like,
“Do you take Venmo?” And they’re like, “No!
We gotta get to the next car!” I’m like, “I’m sorry.” You know what’s wild to me? The fact that we don’t want
to engage with them and yet, most people are like scrolling on Twitter. But you would watch somebody
doing crazy backflips on your phone. But we wouldn’t wanna see it live! Isn’t that weird? Do we hate— is it the choice? Is it the fact that we— Oh, be able to opt in. You’re like, “I don’t want people backflipping at—” Is communiting the
worst part of living in New York? What’s your commute? Uh huh. Oh man. Yeah… When I first moved to New York that
was the one piece of advice everyone gave me. They’re like, “Just don’t commute.
Live across the street from work.” And I actually did that. I lived in Times Square. Yeah, it was right by The Daily Show, so… every day I just saw, like,
people dressed up as M&M’s. It was— I was like, “Is this New York City?” And then Michael Che told
me he lived literally across the street. And I was like,
“I gotta move across the street.” Like, even ten blocks is too much. So I moved across the street and
then I convinced every other correspondent to move into that building. It was very clutch.
It’s like a two minute commute. It’s incredible. I mean, Manhattan is very
boring, but… Like, that part of Manhattan. This part of— this area’s
pretty, pretty boring, but… I had to come to— like I came to just a
point in my life, ’cause Jessica Williams was like, “Move to Brooklyn. Everyone’s cool in Brooklyn.” And I really had to like look
myself in the mirror and I’m like, “I’m not cool.” I’m not that cool.
I’m not gonna do cool things. “Would you rather have to rock
the Zuckerberg haircut for an entire year or go one full winter in which
your only footwear option is Crocs?” Crocs! Hundred-percent Crocs. They’re on my feet and they’re really comfortable.
I don’t care what people say, they’re super comfortable. I have them at home. They’re great. They’re great for dry or wet situations. They’re awesome. Um, yeah. Damn, Anjali. Do you not—
You also find Zuckerberg’s hairline super weird You would do that hair more than Crocs? Really? Okay, your rule wasn’t Crocs all the time. It was just wear Crocs. Oh, “or go one full winter in which” —
Oh, I’m sorry, like reading comprehension. I’m sorry. “Go one full winter in which
your only footwear option is Crocs.” I’ll double up on socks and do Crocs.
I’ll double up on socks and do Cr— No socks?! You’re changing the rules!
You can’t just do that. You’re like, “No socks, and we chop off one of your feet. Now what?” No, come on. You just said Crocs.
I go double— Really? You would want to see me with the weird ass… like his Caesar that’s off? It’s not even ri— like,
come on, dude. You went to Harvard. The angle isn’t even right.
It’s not even straight. I think it’s a power move.
He’s just like, “Yeah, say something about it.” Alright, “What’s your hottest take
that you’re afraid to tell people?” Oh wow. That’s like a Reddit question where
you’re like, “Alright, anonymous. How do you really feel about the world?” Look, I have a lot of hot takes but
um, there was this video actually. It was over the Thanksgiving holiday,
did you guys see it? Of that one guy at the Thanksgiving table
and he had a bunch of hot takes. Did you see this on Twitter? Just play it real quick. Let’s say there was a like, apex predator like
Bigfoot, there wouldn’t be, like thousands of them. There would only be a few. Aliens are an absolute certainty. In an ever expanding universe,
the probability of human life– You can agree, humans exist, right? You’re here, ’kay? That probability’s so low. How about Jeffrey Epstein? Did you see, like the two cops, the two
prison guards got arrested for– yeah. Why do, why do people enjoy swimming pools? Go to, go to the beach. Russia… Russia interfered in the elections. A hundred percent. So I was on Twitter and I’m like, “This guy’s
incredible, he needs to do Deep Cuts with me.” I went down the rabbit hole I’m like,
“Who is he? His name’s Bashir. Alright, find Bashir– there’s a lot of Bashirs.” And I found him. And he came to the taping! This is Bashir. This is the dude. This is what Deep Cuts is all about. It’s just pure passion, no evidence to back it up. Bashir, what’s up man, how are you? – (I’m doing well, man.)
– Thank you for coming from D.C., man. Did you– did you know that this clip
was just gonna go crazy like this? (Oh, not at all.) Really? (Yeah.) Did you know your sister was recording you? (Not until like– I mean, that was like an
hour and a half conversation she cut up.) (It was the whole dinner.) My favorite part was when you’re just,
you’re just like, “There are definitely aliens.” “Think of the statistical probability of us
being here. You believe we’re here, right?” I’m like, that is such, that is such– (I had to convince them.) “This is real, right?” Oh my God. And then I know– Are those your
family members around you? (Yeah.) Like cousins and stuff like that? The burly bearded dude is like
a cousin, right, or something like that? (Uh, it’s my brother.) That’s your brother? (Yeah.) I could so tell like, he’s the one who’s
like– He’s sat, he was just like– Your mom’s reaction was incredible. Is she just tired of it? (Uh, you know, she’s learned to love me.) Alright, look, I gotta ask you– I wanna
hear about some of your hot takes, okay? (I’m in.) Here we go. Um, this is from the video. What’s your take on aliens in Area 51? (Aliens are out there, hundred percent.) (I don’t know about Area 51. I don’t
trust the government. You shouldn’t.) (But like, mathematically, Fermi’s
Paradox like, read into it.) (Like, mathematically it’s a certainty.
It’s all but a certainty.) What do you mean it’s all but a certainty? (The universe is ever expanding.) Okay. (And we are here.) Yeah, yeah, yeah. (So like, at the… so.) Bro, that was such– That was such
like a Middle Eastern uncle move. Go ahead. We’re here, yeah, I believe it. (So there’s at least one chance, one outcome
where it has worked in the whole universe.) Uh huh. (And if it’s, like, ever expanding, it’s going
to happen again if it hasn’t already.) I believe it, look I believe it. It’s like, I believe it but I also– it’s a 50/50. (Well see, there’s a space force now.) Yeah… – (Government’s making that, I’m just saying.)
– Yeah, yeah. That’s never gonna happen, man, come on. Apex predators? (So that’s Bigfoot. So, Bigfoot…) Wait, wait, wait. Bigfoot is– is called an apex predator? (He is a apex predator.) (One of them.) What are the other ones? (I don’t know, humans and sharks.) We’re an apex predator? – (Giant squids.)
– You’re gonna put Bigfoot and humans on the same level? For real? (I’m sorry, Mom.) (Um, like, but it’s just something that
like, it’s the top of the food chain.) (And the reasoning to why Bigfoot
exists tying it to apex predators is that’s why we don’t necessarily like, see
the fossils or know for sure it’s around.) (Like there wouldn’t be a lot of them.) (Like, only a few would survive.) (Dude, tell me why there’s a Yeti and a Sasquatch?) (Like, like the myth is like, throughout the world.) What? For real? What do you mean there is a Yeti and a Sasquatch? Singular? There’s one? – (Like, yeah, like the story.)
– Like, “Ah, you gotta go to Beijing, they have the Yeti there.” What do you mean by that? (Like, like, the stories like, lasted
through like different cultures.) – Sure.
– (Like, Pacific Northwest of the U.S.) Okay. (And then like, out in like, Southern Southeast Asia.) Yes. (It’s there in like Nepal and whatnot.) Yeah. So mermaids exist, too? (Vampires. Yeah.) Vampires? Shut– Come on! Alright, swimming pools are better than the beach. (Yo, that’s, that’s the most important.) (Yeah, swimming pools are horrible.) Why, why are they horrible? (Alright, it’s– It’s a hole in the ground
with bodily fluids and like, dead skin that you have to like chemically
treat to make them usable.) – (Like, just use the ocean.)
– Versus the ocean? – (The ocean at least–)
– Has whale– it has whale shit in it, it has fish shit in it. (Trillions and trillions of gallons of water.) So you’re done– Did you have a bad
experience with swimming pools? (My dad was obsessed with pools.) (We’d go like, like South Carolina, we’d be
like five minutes from the beach.) (And he’d insist we’d go to like
spend the day at the pool. Like…) So just say that. Alright, what’s your take on bread bowls? (Uh, amazing. I love them.) They’re great. That’s a great one, yeah. Bread bowls are legit. They’re very divisive though, people are like, “Fuck
bread bowls, it’s too much bread, not enough soup.” (Penicillin, iPhones, bread bowls. Same–) Penicillin, iPhones, and bread bowls? (Greatest inventions ever.) What? That’s incredible, man. Uh, dudes who wear backwards hats. (I get it, like they’re douchebags
or whatever. Like, fuckboys.) (I ran my student government campaign in college with
like a backwards cap as like the approachable guy.) (Like, we won, so like, I can’t like, shit on it too much.) That was how you– What school did you go to? (University of Cincinnati. Go Bearcats.) So that’s how you, you’re like,
“I have to connect to Ohio voters.” Put on a backwards cap. Really? And you won? (Barely.) By 60 votes? But, but, University of– That’s dope, dude. So you won president? (Yeah.) You’re a Muslim president. (Yeah.) Are you serious? That’s gangster. You pulled it off? (Yeah, yeah.) Dude, you did what– Damn, and
you didn’t even have to like, Barack it. Like, “Ah, no I’m not.” (No, no. I was the opposite.) Barack, come home. Come home. Baby Yoda. Baby Yoda. (Oh, dude, I’d die for Baby Yoda.) – You’d die?
– (I didn’t get it til I saw the show.) You would die for Baby Yoda? (I mean, I’d kill for Baby Yoda.) You’re like, “I don’t wanna take my life.
I would commit manslaughter.” Alright, these were takes that you sent us. (Alright.) You sent our producers. High top tables suck. (They’re the worst.) (I mean you mentioned it during
the Patriot Act like, about stools.) Stools are bullshit. – (Dude, first of all, you’re a tall guy.)
– Stools are fuckin’ garbage. (Imagine, most people are shorter than you.) (It’s height-ist. High top tables.) What?! (You ever at a high top table you drop something you
gotta get, like, down like do a whole thing, like…) Alright, The Office is a depressing TV show,. (Yeah, yeah I don’t like The Office.) Yeah, yeah, come on! The Office?! Steve Carrell. That version? (Steve Carrell’s awesome. Sure the writers
are great, I never got into it from the beginning.) (But you’re telling me like you’re gonna
take The Office over 30 Rock?) – (Like, Parks and Rec, Seinfeld?)
– (Yeah.) (Unbelievable. Alright, whatever. You guys are sad.) Convince them! Convince them! Don’t let them bully you! Make this your fuckin’ Thanksgiving table. Tell us why The Office is depressing. (Alright, alright. So, in TV shows you want
to like, see, like the optimal like, life or laugh or like, see whatever that like,
you would enjoy for yourself.) (You’re telling me you want to
sell paper for the rest of your life?) (You want like a boss that like, is pretty like,
incompetent and you just like, laugh at him?) (Like, it’s a sad show when you
get down to the nitty gritty.) Did you like Breaking Bad? (I never saw Breaking Bad.) Did you like, did you like Game of Thrones? (Yeah.) Okay– So motherfuckers are dying. We’re talking about, there’s incest and dragons. (But there’s like–) And you’re like, “Yeah, the job you want.” Are you serious? (I’d ride a dragon.) “Was it a tough decision to go back to
the original pronunciation of Hasan? I wrote my college essay on my name,
so I thought it was super interesting.” Oh wow, that’s heavy. This is from, this you, Prav? You wrote your whole college essay– my lookalike? Yeah, but what’s– Is your name Prav? That’s it? Yeah. So, what do you do? So what do you do, you hit it with the full– For me it was like this– Like, I remember when I first started comedy. At the first open mics, there was this host–
You’d write your name down and he’s like, “Look man nobody’s gonna be able to pronounce
this, you gotta change your name.” And I legit thought it was like a real thing. He’s like, “Come on man, you think there’s
a guy named Jamie Foxx, he changed his name.” And he did. So for like, two months, I would go
to open mics and I was Sean. And I’m like, “Dude, what am I doing?” Legit I was like, “I’m Sean, right?” Yeah. Like, “Hey what’s up guys, I’m Sean,” right? You know what I mean? And then I remember, I kept trying to negotiate, right? So I was like, all right, Hasan, people
can pronounce Hasan. And um, I don’t know, it just got weirder and weirder. You know, I met so many people, um, a lot of people
even in the Southeast Asian community you’ll have people who are like, “This is my
Chinese name, this is my American name.” But I’m like dude, “Fuck that. Your name’s your name.” And then there’s people like in my
community like, there’s Bobby Jindal. I’m like, “Bro, your name’s not Bobby.” Your name’s Piyush, right? But he went from Piyush and he just took a hard
right and he’s like, “Ahh, can’t do that, Bobby.” It was like, we had like, an uncle in our
community, his name was Iqbal. But then one time he picked up his cellphone
and he’s like, “Hello this is Alex.” And I’m like, “Who the fuck is Alex?” And um, but I would always have that like open mic host in my head,
like, “Oh, you gotta do it to make it,” and all that stuff. And I remember being at Ellen, and my parents
drove down from Sacramento to be there. Like, Mom and Dad are sitting there,
I’ve been doing comedy fifteen years. And Ellen’s just like, “Hey Hasan!” I looked in the audience, my mom’s kinda
sitting like, right where you guys are. She kinda cringed. You know, she left the VA, checked
out of work, “Hey, I’m sick.” Drives down to see her son on Ellen
and she’s like, “Hasan Minhaj.” And my mom who gave me
that name is just like, “Eugh.” And I’m like, dude what am I doing? Like, I have a show with my fuckin’ name
on it and I’m still being like, “It’s with Sean!” You know? And so I was like, “Alright, Ellen,
just let’s do this right now.” ’Cause we can pronounce Timothée Chalamet,
so we’re gonna do this right now. And so, you know I just had her do it. And uh, I didn’t know it would be
this like, viral moment or whatever. But I remember my dad when we drove
home, he was super pissed at me. He’s like, “Hasan, you wasted your chance.
You had seven minutes with her, for four minutes you’re correcting her.
Why are you doing this?” And I think that’s like the big difference between
our generation and our parents’ generation. They’re always trying to survive. And I mean survival is the thing so
just go by whatever she calls you. And that’s cool, I think when Dad, you know,
when he came in ’82 he survived for us. But I’m trying to live. I mean I’m trying to like, “Yo, Muhammad
Ali, say my name. Like, say it.” So, I’m gonna go on Ellen, the most American
show ever, and make you hit all the syllables. I mean that’s like… for me. Alright, thank you guys. I appreciate you.