Good News: The Government Still Exists



LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE THOUGHSHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AS YOU WERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS YOU WERE. SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM. THEN PLEASE STOP SMOKING,
BECAUSE IT'S TERRIBLE FOR YOU. POINT IS, THERE'S GOOD NEWS FOR
THE MILITARY AND THEIR FAMILIES. BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY, THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCED PLANS TO PULL U.S. TROOPS OUT OF SYRIA
IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR THESE
FAMILIES. AND TRUMP EXPLAINED THE REASON
FOR HIS DECISION IN HIS HISTORIC TWEET, "WE HAVE DEFEATED ISIS IN
SYRIA, MY ONLY REASON BEING THERE DURING THE TRUMP
PRESIDENCY." "BUT AFTER THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY
I MIGHT HEAD OVER THERE BECAUSE I WILL BE ON THE RUN FROM THE
LAW, AND THERE WILL BE NO TROOPS TO FIND ME." BUT–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT– AND I KNOW THIS WILL SHOCK
YOU– WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID MAY NOT BE TRUE. FIRST OF ALL, HIS TWEET CAME AS
A BIT OF A SURPRISE TO– OH, WHAT'S THE WORD? THE PENTAGON. BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE DEFENSE
DEPARTMENT, THE NUMBER OF ISIS MEMBERS IN SYRIA AND IRAQ COULD
BE AS HIGH AS 30,000. AND, RIGHT NOW, ALLIED TROOPS
ARE ON THE CUSP OF CAPTURING THE LAST MAJOR TOWN HELD BY ISIS
EAST OF THE EUPHRATES. "ALL RIGHT, TROOPS, THIS IS WHAT
WE TRAINED FOR. WE'RE GOING TO GO OVER THERE AND
WE'RE GOING TO END THIS THING! SO I WANT YOU IN FULL BATTLE
RATTLE WHEN WE CROSS THAT– HOLD UP. I'M GETTING A TWEET. HOLD ON A SECOND. NO, FORGET WHAT I SAID. BACK TO THE BASE." WHICH WAY IS THE BASE? ANYBODY KNOW WHERE THE BASE–
OF COURSE, WITH A SITUATION AS COMPLEX AND DANGEROUS AS THE
SYRIAN CIVIL WAR, WHO KNOWS IF THIS IS THE RIGHT MOVE FOR
AMERICA. BUT WE KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT MOVE
FOR RUSSIA, BECAUSE RUSSIA'S ALSO GOT TROOPS THERE BACKING
THE ASSAD REGIME. AND, TODAY, RUSSIAN OFFICIALS
EXPRESSED SATISFACTION WITH TRUMP'S DECISION. BUT A PENTAGON OFFICIAL ASKED
JAKE TAPPER, "SO WHEN DOES RUSSIA ANNOUNCE THEIR VICTORY?"
OH, THAT'S EASY. IT WAS NOVEMBER 8, 2016. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LATER. AND–
OH, GOOD NEWS, THE GOVERNMENT OH, GOOD NEWS. HERE'S SOMETHING I THINK I WOULD
NOT BE SAYING TODAY– THE GOVERNMENT STILL EXISTS. BECAUSE, THIS AFTERNOON, MITCH
McCONNELL AND NANCY PELOSI AGREED TO A BILL THAT WOULD FUND
THE GOVERNMENT THROUGH FEBRUARY 8– JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'S
DAY. THEY ALREADY HAVE A PLAN TO
FURLOUGH GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES WITH CANDY HEARTS. "YOU'RE THE ONE." "WHO'S OUT OF A JOB." BUT HERE'S THE KEY THING:
THERE IS NO FUNDING FOR TRUMP'S WALL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. NOTHING. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS– THE
REPUBLICANS BLINKED. ANDIAND THAT IS USUALLY NANCY
PELOSI'S JOB. TRUMP IS NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY,
AND HE WAS ALREADY FRUSTRATED, TWEETING, "THE DEMOCRATS ARE
SAYING LOUD AND CLEAR THAT THEY DO NOT WANT TO BUILD A CONCRETE
WALL– BUT WE ARE NOT BUILDING A CONCRETE WALL. WE ARE BUILDING
ARTISTICALLY-DESIGNED STEEL SLATS, SO THAT YOU CAN EASILY
SEE THROUGH IT." ( LAUGHTER )
OH, OH, IT'S ARTISTICALLY DESIGNED. THAT'S DIFFERENT. (AS TRUMP ): "I'M SEEING AN OPE
CONCEPT STEEL SLAT, YOU KNOW, TO IMPROVE FLOW FOR PARTIES. MAYBE ADD A 2,000-MILE GRANITE
COUNTERTOP. AFTER ALL, WHAT IS A BORDER WALL
BUT AMERICA'S IMMIGRATION BACKSPLASH?"
NOW, WHERE DID THE DEMOCRATS GET THE FOOLISH IDEA THAT THE WALL
WAS GOING TO BE MADE OF CONCRETE? >> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S
GOING TO BE MADE OUT OF HARDENED CONCRETE. >> Stephen: UNLIKE– UNLIKE
TRUMP'S PROMISES, WHICH ARE MADE OF SOFT-SERVE BULLCRAP.

Maurice Vega

33 Responses

  1. Why are we keeping trump in the white house wait a minute I got it to have something to laugh at when we are down

  2. Remembering a great pervert, your dad. heres a song to make you remember something important – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTTLh9jsoac&list=PLmnMOVAuO2tEEbP94Qtr0U4_TkLZ9GHE3&index=3

  3. wow really. shouldnt have been there in the first place cause ya know it was illegal, and we have no business in there civil war. also bringing troops home to there families sounds pretty good to.

  4. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in 2 yrs. I hope when all is done Mr. Mueller gets a Nobel Peace Prize. Mr. Mueller has shown restraint like no other. All while doing a thorough job of draining the swamp of trump and clan.

  5. Sooo let me get this straight… the 'Debt Ceiling' (it's just a term for a formality of passing government spending instead of doing it for each and every department individually… that's ALL IT IS!), which is just a collection of government bills to keep the government running (you know, keeping the US of fucking A running!), was OOKed by the Republicans in Congress AND the Republicans in the Senate… yet Trump's refusal to sign this basic government management bill is the fault of the Democrats? FUCK OFF!!! Ya gonna blame the deaths of children at the US/Mexican border on Democrats too??? … (watches news) … oh for fuck sake.

    Republicans.

  6. His lips are movin…his lips are movin? OO cause he's lyin lyin–and he's full of somethin…but it sho' aint love for anyone, this my inventation for him to Kiss my ass good by by by

  7. how is that good news?
    Am I the only one that noticed governments are the ones funding 'mercenary' terrorism worldwide?

  8. I m kinda over war. How did we get stuck in another Middle Eastern comflict? People are dying all over the world but we don't send troops there. Or maybe we do and the media isn't making it big news. All the billions of dollars we spend for dropping bombs, we could just give these people cash and say..hey, promise to be good or we will flatten your town.

  9. Putin issued the order. Trump carried it out. Putin is satisfied. All these things about sowing divisions, discrediting American institutions, could these all have been instructions from Putin?

  10. Every thing aside. Reckless, Stupid, racist and unfit to be President #Trump actually made a Good decision for many #US, Troops, major allies #Turkey and have no significant change nor benefits to adversaries

  11. Trump and his weapon manufacturing company ceo friends want Isis to stay so the conflict can continue and they can keep selling more and more weapons and make profits off of dead children, women and innocents.

  12. Shut down the Democratic side of government for a while and maybe President Trump can get some stuff done without all these snowflakes  complaining all the time.

  13. The man in WH who wrote the "ART of the DE…." oh wait let me complete, DECEPTION, DERANGED LEADERSHIP or lack there of and all the qualities only a DESPOT would love

  14. Glad we are out of Syria because human rights is no reason for wars. Muslims can have their civil wars over who was rightful heir to the throne. America first.

  15. It's very interesting that people who actually committed crimes and have lied. They have stolen money and fix their party to place her as the front runner which is actually illegal by the and infringe on the voting process dose not get mention or goes to jail how interesting that is. Also heaven forbid get made fun of or attack in any way and then you'll have all a hail of protest, angry words, and threats to you and your family. It's all good cause it's all loco people who are woke know the truth.

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