Hello and welcome back to the most unbiased news show in the country FAWKES NEWS (aka Faux News) I’m Michelle Holmes. And I’m Ashley Rogers. We have an exciting show planned for y’all today As per usual, we’ll be covering current issues that EVERYBODY should know about. Make sure to follow us on our social media accounts, including: Facebook, Instagram, and, most importantly, Twitter. As for our elderly audience, we have stone slabs delivered right to your door. Now let’s throw it over to our first segment. We finally have some honest politicians. And Donald Trump’s finally stopped playing golf. Our borders actually mean something now. Men and women have equal pay. Pigs are allowed to marry people. You know, just like gays. Trump has finally got off twitter, and has passed some legislation. After 247 elections loses, 1,052 year old Hillary Clinton finally gets elected for office. California isn’t on fire anymore, and becomes Republican. The DPRK will seem democratic. On a scale of 1 to 10, what do you think of the new tax reform bill? I think it’s a step in the right direction. To be really honest, I don’t have the answers. Because I don’t have enough information. 1.5???? What’s your opinion of our current government? It sucks. Ha! We’re going to have really different answers for this one. Do you really want to know what I think? I feel that our government does not care about us. I feel that it’s all about money and that’s really sad. This really is a time for hope and change. There’s a lot being done in the right direction that we don’t hear about. That’s my new lightsaber. I call it world ender because it destroys atmospheres with global warming and greenhouse gases. You want one? It’s super cool and super destructive. I can burn planets. You don’t believe me?!?! Yeah, I bet you’re kidding me. The Dark Side has the power to crush the planet with global warming and bad toxins. All the trees and air and flowers will DIEEEE.