The trial of the notorious
drug lord El Chapo Guzmán. You may have missed
that he’s currently on trial in a Brooklyn courthouse because
you’ve probably been focusing on the criminal
who’s in the White House. -Peak resistance!
-(hip-hop air horn blowing) (cheering and applause) Anyway, the trial
of the world’s biggest drug lord has reached its halfway point, and what we’ve learned so far
is muy loco. Prosecutors are expected
to rest their case this week in the federal trial of
the notorious Mexican drug lord, Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán. REPORTER: Drugs, sex,
murder, and betrayal, Since November, a real-life
drama has been unfolding in Brooklyn federal court. The villain,
according to prosecutors, is 61-year-old
Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán. Former associates testified that El Chapo protected
his drug pipeline into the U.S. with violence and bribes, including $100 million to former Mexican president
Enrique Peña Nieto, who denies the allegation. Goddamn.
El Chapo might have bribed the ex-Mexican president
$100 million. Although, to be fair, the Mexican president
has already denied it from the deck
of his $101 million yacht. But that is just, like,
one of the crazy revelations from this trial, right?
There are so many things that we’ve learned that sound
like they’re straight out of a movie. And the way we’re
learning all of these secrets is because many
of El Chapo’s former henchmen are testifying against him. REPORTER: So far, more than a
dozen witnesses have testified. Most are convicted
drug traffickers who are betraying El Chapo
in exchange for more lenient sentences. REPORTER 2: Including
German “Barbas” Rosero, the Beard, and
Juan Carlos “Chupeta” Ramírez, -Lollipop.
-(chuckling) Ramírez admitted
to killing 150 people. Wow, that was, uh,
an emotional roller coaster for you guys, huh? Yeah. You’re like,
“Ha-ha! His name is Lollipop!” “He killed 150 people.”
“I don’t think that’s funny “at all. It’s not–
Lollipop is a very formal name. I like that name.” I wonder how he got
that nickname. Yeah? They were just going
around the room, and the boss was like,
“You, you’re the Beard, man. “And you over there,
you’re Snake Eyes. “And you, you’re gonna be Lollipop.” He’s like, “What? No!
Can’t I just be No Beard, man? Why I got to be Lollipop?” “Because you’re so sweet, man.” “Oh! I love you guys. Now let’s go kill someone.” Now, believe it or not,
believe it or not, the weirdest thing
we learned about Lollipop isn’t the fact
that his name is Lollipop or the fact that he’s killed
more people than bird flu. No, it’s how he tried
to dodge the police. REPORTER 2: Ramírez admitted
to killing 150 people. To hide from police,
he used plastic surgery. (reading): ♪ My pussy and my crack. ♪ Sorry, I-I thought
we were singing. -No?
-(whooping) Okay, now, this, this, I don’t understand. If you’re trying to hide
from the police, it’s probably a bad idea
to give yourself the world’s
most distinctive face. What is this? The cops are just gonna be like, “Okay, guys,
we’re on the lookout “for a guy who looks
like a mannequin “(bleep)ed Fidel Castro. That’s who we’re looking for.” Who did this surgery? This is the first time
in history that anyone has looked better
in a courtroom sketch than in real life. But a creepy man-sized doll wasn’t the biggest witness
in this trial. No, that honor goes
to El Chapo’s I.T. guy. MAN: The star witness was
El Chapo’s personal tech guru, Christian Rodriguez.
He told jurors how El Chapo ordered him to install spyware called
“FlexiSPY” on 50 BlackBerrys, including the phones
of his wife and mistress. The fellow who set up all of the wiretaps,
set up the encryption, then got caught by the FBI,
started working for the FBI, and eventually hacked into
his own system for the FBI. So El Chapo got his IT guy to spy on the people
who work for him, and then, the FBI got the IT guy
to spy on El Chapo, which is a good lesson
for everyone. -Be nice to your IT guy.
-(laughter) Yeah, be nice to him. (applause and cheering) Is he here right now? Yeah. He may be condescending, he may give you a hard time
when you forget your password, and he may smell
like boiled hot dogs, but that dude knows everything. By the way, Dennis,
if you’re watching, I love you, and you smell great.
Please don’t leak my nudes. -All right, man.
-(laughter) And can we…
can we just for a moment…? Just for a moment, can we look
at this courtroom sketch? Why are you drawing a guy’s
face, and then blacking it out? Just don’t draw the face. Like, what-what is the dr…?
Like… Or maybe
we’re just looking at it wrong. Maybe this guy was just
on the witness stand wearing a V.R. headset. He was like, “So then, I
installed a program on his… Aah! Sorry. I’m on
a roller coaster right now!” So, it turns out this IT guy
is one of the biggest reasons El Chapo might be going down,
and he only agreed to turn because the FBI paid him. Of course, now,
because of the shutdown, the FBI says
they don’t have money to pay more informants
like him anymore. Yeah. Oh, and here’s another thing. The U.S. Marshals
who are guarding El Chapo– they aren’t getting paid
because of the shutdown. And now, I’m not saying
they’re gonna be bribed, but if there’s anyone you want
to be extra careful with, it’s El Chapo. This guy has escaped from prison
twice already, which is why,
whenever they move him around, they got to hold the back of
his neck like he’s a baby cat. -Yeah.
-(laughter) They also make him poop
in a litter box, but I think that’s just for fun. And remember,
the reason El Chapo became the most powerful drug lord
in history is that he figured out
how to smuggle more drugs across the border
than anybody else. And during this trial,
we found out how he’s done it. WOMAN: The U.S. Coast Guard
led a team on a drug bust off the coast of Guatemala
in 2008. They intercepted a huge cache, according
to federal prosecutors– $100 million of cocaine. But
that’s no ordinary drug boat. It’s actually
more like a submarine. And just one
of Joaquín El Chapo Guzmán’s smuggling tricks,
according to prosecutors. If the sub didn’t work, there
were tunnels, trucks or planes, just part of the evidence
presented so far in the narco trafficker trial
of the century. This is insane.
El Chapo was using planes, tunnels and even submarines
to smuggle drugs into the U.S. So I guess it’s a good thing that Trump is building
that wall. Yeah. (laughter) You know, the sad thing… (applause and cheering) The sad thing is…
the sad thing is, even if Trump sees this trial,
it won’t change his mind. If anything,
he’ll probably just double down. He’ll be like, “You know what?
Forget the wall, folks. “We’re building a dome! And who’s gonna pay for it?