Very soon, there are going to be some exciting changes coming to your climate. But it’s important that you realise these changes are nothing to be afraid of. In fact, they’re just another way in which we are taking care of everyday Australians. Our old climate is no longer fit for purpose, and that is why the Turnbull government is committed to delivering you a climate for the 21st century. As CO2 levels rise in the atmosphere and greenhouse gases trap in heat we plan on raising the temperature in Australia by about 3 degrees by the end of the century. This will save you money by reducing heating bills during winter as well as creating thousands of jobs in important industrial sectors like air conditioning and refrigeration during the summer. Meaning it’s a year round benefit. Rising temperatures will also melt the ice covering the south pole. as well as British backpackers, who we’ll send there to pick the fruit. Hopefully this will also kill off many dangerous Antarctic animals like the killer whale, the penguin and the abominable snowman. Climate change will also do wonders for Australia’s tourism industry. Rising temperatures will make Tasmania the Hawaii of the South while tropical paradises, like Cairns or Noosa, will become Super Hawaiis. Aloha, Queensland! A warmer ocean will also kill off the Great Barrier Reef making it easier for our scientists to count all the types of fish. But it’s not all positives – any transition is hard. Expect to see more cyclones, hurricanes and floods. It will actually be a boon for the construction sector. Large swathes of cities and towns will be decimated and subsequently will need to be rebuilt and these makeovers will ensure our cities are modern enough to compete in a global economy. Of course, we don’t actually believe in climate change. It’s just if climate change was real, rest assured it would be a good thing and not the literal apocalypse like all the scientists are telling us.